The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author UnknownI met with, what Sabrina calls, my mentoree today. When I signed up for the Parent to Parent Infant Loss Support group I was matched up with an individual that has experienced a similar loss but just shortly after (only days after) the leader also forwarded a new member to me that experienced a loss only a couple of weeks after we lost Angel. Estrella and I met for the first time today after weeks of exchanging emails and it was great! She and I were able to relate to one another and know that when each of us "I understand" that we truly meant we understand. It was comforting to exchange those feelings that I once thought meant I was falling off my rocker to know that she, too, feels those feelings and emotions and that maybe it doesn't mean that I have gone off the deep end (or that we both are, which is comforting too knowing that I'm not alone going insane).
Estrella lost a little girl last summer and currently lost a little boy this summer. She has been through hell but appears to be a very strong person. I only hope that I appear as strong as she does to the "outside world". She has a little boy that is 6 years old, Zion, that seems to be the light of her life and her rock that she can rely on to pick her up and keep her going as he depends on her.
It was so nice to share and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences, and emotions and to be able to relate to each other. I am glad that I finally got to meet her and to put a face to the name that I am emailing each week. She is a very sweet person and it makes me wonder all the more why life is so unfair and why God has put these cards into the hands of those that aren't sure why we deserve it. But one day that answer will come to us, I am sure, or it will at least make the outcome that much more special and precious.
I have such a wonderful group of people that are there to support me and be there for me when I need to break down. It is great to have someone tell me "If it's considered being selfish when it comes to what's best for you and you need to do, Please be selfish, screw whatever anyone else says or thinks"
(Thanks Becca) or sends me an email that says "A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. With tears in their eyes they still manage to say I'm okay"
(Thanks Katie Jo) or just sits and listens to me cry or will cry instead just so I have the will to not cry anymore so I can comfort her instead or will do anything in their power to make me laugh to bypass my tears
(Thanks Brina). Then there is always my wonderful family (families) and my best-ever husband, who even when he doesn't have the right things to say (which he usually doesn't when I am sobbing uncontrollably) will just hold me and let me blubber like an idiot and not judge me afterwards.
I know that it's usually easiest to sweep things under the rug, get past them and not bring them up again, or just avoid the subject entirely. I know that a person's loss is not something that wants to be talked about and to avoid the sadness, particularly with the loss of a child. Unfortunately, I am not able to do any of these things and it is still very much on my mind and still very painful for me. I guess I say this hoping that those around me continue to give me their patience and understanding. I wish I could wear a sign that says "yes, I'm still hurting, please just respect that" but that would obviously look ridiculous! So many told me that grieving does not have a time table, you do not have a time limit for that but again, unfortunately, society does have their expectations but fortunately, I have gotten past what those expectations are unlike how I used to have myself on a time table and have realized that I am going to feel what I am going to feel no matter how hard I try not to.
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor
