I find myself with a lot of struggles right now in dealing with my feelings and emotions and also learning to deal with how everyone else deals with their feelings and emotions, and more so how they go about avoiding anything that will trigger my feelings and emotions. I find myself frustrated with how others will almost go out of their way to avoid any mention of something that will make me think of Angel or make me want to talk about Angel or make me cry for Angel.
All of my hopes and dreams are gone. They have been taken away from me prematurely and unfairly. The one thing that I have hoped and dreamed of and anticipated having in my life this year is not going to be. To be a mommy to my own little one and to have our family begun was my dream and I feel as though that has been ripped away from me. I had that chance to be a mom and that has been taken away from me. I still cry for Angel, I still cry for what should be right now, I still cry and have those dreadful feelings that I absolutely hate to wake up to or feel washing over me in the middle of the day for no apparent reason.
I seem to be becoming associated with borderline anxiety attacks and have to contribute that to working so hard to hide and bury the emotions that I don't know how to reveal and this has begun to take a toll on me. I find myself struggling to breathe and on the verge of hyperventilating and breaking down. But as I seem to become familiar with, I escape and avoid those feelings and bury them without expressing them.
With those feelings and the very different paths that I feel that I am on from everyone else I am associated with (including my husband) I began to see a therapist about three weeks ago. This was a result of a very big melt down and yelling match with Jay but out of all of the things that were said and done during this period, I couldn't be more thankful for that turning point that made me make that phone call. Janeace Dickey is my therapist and it was the best move I could make in regards to dealing with things. I am not at a point that I can say that it is "curing" me but it is a comfort to know that I have 50 minutes every week to talk about Angel all that I want. I can talk about the dreams that I had for her, the hopes that I had for her, cry the tears that I want to cry without feeling insane or crazy (which she assured me that she did not think I was after only one visit). I get to talk about the Halloween costume parties that I had envisioned for Angel, the holidays that we were to spend together this year and celebrate both her first Thanksgiving and Christmas and spoil her with all the gifts that we could. I can talk about all of those things and not feel bad that I am repeating what I said in the session before.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
My Angel Baby
© Heather
I never got to see your eyes,or hold your hand, or hear your cries.
© Heather
I never got to see your eyes,or hold your hand, or hear your cries.
All I have are dreams of you,those of which, will never come true.
My heart sank the day that I knew,I would never get to meet you.
I had made plans, and had aspirations,if only I had a little more patience.
I never thought the Lord would take youaway from me so soon.
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,around two in the afternoon.
The day I knew something was not right,and through many tears I would have to fight.
Now, all I do is dream every night,about what life would have been like.
What if you really had been born?
But all we have a dreams of that,and all we can do is mourn.
We will not mourn for you though,because we know you're where you need to be,even though it isn't here with me.
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,because of that day God chose to take you.
But, my angel baby you will always be,in my heart forever, forever a part of me.
