So I began this post on December 28th after the holidays that I dreaded and survived completely only to realize that I would not be able to post it until Jay and I were ready to share our news. So I will continue to write this post as necessary for an outlet opportunity but will not post it until we are “ready” to share the news or until anything else were to occur.
12/28/2010
I’M A SURVIVOR + some….
Sitting here on the 28th of December and realizing, like I had questioned that the arrival of Christmas was simply going to make me keel over right in my spot, that I survived the holidays. The holidays that I spent at least the last 3 months dreading whole-heartedly and wishing that they would just get here so they could go away again and there they go. I did not go through this holidays without thinking of my little girl; of all of the gifts that I envisioned her getting, the beautiful Christmas dress that I envisioned her wearing to each of the get-togethers that we had as a family, the cookies that we were going to set out for Santa. But I did get through the holidays with a few tears. Jenny gave me two adorable ornaments for the Christmas tree: one of them being an angel that read A Tiny Angel on it along with a pair of ceramic pink booties to go with the ornament with Angel’s picture. There was a lot of remembrances to Angel on our Christmas tree and will continue to be from here on out. She will always be with us.
I fully believe that Angel is looking over us and while I am not sure the limit on her powers to help her mommy and daddy out, I continue to hope and pray and speak to her. She has given us what I have come to believe a Christmas present. I have come to believe, if nothing else, something to help us get through the Christmas holidays with a little bit of hope and peace with the way life has been for us in the past year. We found out on December 13th that we are expecting (yes, again…). This was cautiously good news to Jay and I and has certainly helped us get through the holidays and made us see that Angel is looking over her mommy and daddy. I use the word cautiously very strongly and very commonly. There are a lot of uncertainties and “what if’s” and things that could occur from here to August. My first very small reassurance occurred yesterday after a scare and a trip to the clinic to do an early u/s, we saw the baby (B2K), we saw the heartbeat measuring at 109 bpm and he/she is measuring just about perfectly at 5w6d (only 2 days less than what the dated date was when we first found out which should have been 6w1d). Again, a very small reassurance, but hope and pray that each appointment from here on out will be more reassurances to allow me to feel better about it. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure that I will ever feel good about this until I have the baby in my arms and hear it crying! I have so many emotions flooding me right now and am frustrated that the excitement and happiness is overtaken significantly by the trepidation and fear that I feel. I am not able to share the news with most people in fear that something is going to happen again, that I am going to have to answer the million and a half questions all over again, and more so to avoid myself feeling like as much of a failure if something were to happen again.
I know this is very hard for Jay to understand. I know that it kills him that I can’t share the happiness and excitement with him. I know that it hurts him that I am more scared and worried than I am excited and happy about this. I am grateful that we were able to get pregnant again, with little wait; that I have to be thankful for. I am grateful that there was a heartbeat at the first appointment and that it was in the normal range; that I have to be thankful for. I am grateful that I have a husband that says he isn’t going anywhere and that he is by my side no matter what happens regardless of how many times I tell him to leave; that I have to be thankful for. But the more people that we tell, the more people that we have to tell later if something happens, the more questions we have to answer and the more people that will know that it’s ME that has the “problem”, it’s ME that is failing if something happens. Whether it’s my fault or not, I know that it’s not anything that I did or didn’t do to cause this, but it’s still in ME, it’s still me causing the problem and it’s still ME that feels absolutely worthless that we even have to worry about this in the first place. So I know that this is very hard for him to understand, I know that it’s very hard for him to get. But no matter what I do to convince myself that whatever is going to happen is going to happen and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it so I might as well enjoy as much as I can of it, I still cannot get that through my brain and I cannot get myself to believe that and go day by day, one week at a time. I have no choice than to go day by day, one week at a time, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying each of those days. It’s like I have convinced myself that if something were to happen again, that if I don’t allow myself to be happy about the pregnancy, that it won’t hurt as much if something were to happen. I know that this is bullshit, I know that it’s going to hurt regardless, it’s going to feel like another failure on my part, that it’s going to rip my heart apart just the same.
So with that, I continue to compare things “this time” to “last time”. The tiredness is settling in completely in the last couple of days. In addition, I have had the queasy/nausea/upset stomach that I did not suffer from or miss the “last time”! I try to find humor in the fact that food was my best friend “last time” and my worst enemy, so far, “this time”. However, any indication or symptom that I seem to come across I try to justify with something else, again trying to protect myself from believing that I am pg and having one more thing to miss if I become not pg. I’m tired because I am stressed out, I am queasy because the flu is going around and maybe I am catching something, I am hungry because I haven’t eaten a whole lot, I have to pee all the time because I have drank a lot of water. Outside of the tiredness & queasiness the last couple of days, I have had no other indications that I did the last time; but “each pregnancy is different” is what I keep getting told and reading about.
Until next time, our next appointment is next Monday, 01/03/11, dating us to be 7w1d, our first doctor checkup and another u/s….to be continued…
01/04/2011
We had our 2nd u/s yesterday afternoon and our little one was still there and continues to grow. B2K’s heartbeat increased to 144 bpm and is measuring at exactly what our dated date showed in the beginning, 7w1d! While to most this would be much more comforting than it was to me it still proved to be a small amount of comfort to even me. I can see the look of anticipation in Jay’s eyes, first to see the baby and the heartbeat and second to see if this is the point that Mommy’s anxiety is going to be put at ease. Unfortunately even the 2nd u/s did not put that at ease but to see the little one there and the heartbeat flashing is always a comfort. Apart from my wishes to go in each week until the CVS test, we do not go in again for 4 weeks!! Our CVS test is scheduled for January 28th at 1:00 and I have no doubt that it will prove to be on the top of the list of the longest 4 weeks of my life. Everyone that knows anything about me knows that patience is not my strong suit and when you add anxiety and nerves to that, the equation is well against me.
As far as the CVS test, this procedure will test the chromosomes of the baby through tissue extracted from the placenta. We will know the outcome of the 5 major chromosomes (13, 18, 21, X & Y…yes, we get to find out the sex of the baby much earlier than most!) within 2 days (so my guess is it will be on Monday since the test is on Friday) and the rest of the chromosome results will be 2 weeks before we get all of those results. Most of our concern will be on the 13 chromosome so that is the comforting part that we will not have to wait too awfully long before knowing those results (although it will feel like an eternity!!).
I wish that I could say that the improved measurement and heartbeat and seeing the baby eased my anxiety, but as I have mentioned this is not the case. I would like to think that after the CVS test results that I can share in the excitement that Jay feels, but I cannot foresee that. I would like to think that after the 20 week mark that I can share in the excitement, but again, don’t foresee it. When I have my baby in my arms I foresee that I will be excited for the whole experience. We shall see….
01/06/2011
All hormones and emotions aside, I am feeling very down and sad today. I woke up this morning with the all too familiar lump in my throat that has not been there for weeks now; that feeling in the throat that if someone looks at you cross-eyed it will probably put me in hysterical tears. I felt this feeling most of the day today and cannot seem to get past the sadness that I am feeling. In thinking through my feelings and million thoughts, from the beginning I have said that I was ready to try again, I was ready to have our own child again, I was ready to get pregnant again; what I didn’t think about was if I was really ready for everything that goes with it. Any parent has fears when they are expecting, any parent is worried about if something happens or goes wrong. I feel that those feelings are especially persistent when you have lost a child. I didn’t put into perspective that yeah, I was ready to get pregnant again but was I really ready to be pregnant again. I didn’t put into perspective the level of anxiety, fear, trepidation, frustration that went along with it. I didn’t put into perspective the feelings that I would have that my little girl might think that we are trying to replace her and forget about her. I didn’t put into perspective that I could essentially have to make the same god-awful decision that we just had to make about another one of our children. I have also put into perspective that I am not enjoying this at all. I am not showing love to B2K the way that I should be because I am allowing all of my worries and fears overtake any joy that I should have, I am too “busy” trying to protect myself from something that I have no control over. Something that regardless of how much I “prepare” myself and how much I think that I am protecting myself from, it’s going to hurt regardless of how much I try to do so that it won’t hurt so much. The only thing that I have control over is taking care of and loving B2K unconditionally and I am not doing that right now. The only thing that I CAN do right now is take care of myself in turn taking care of the baby and just hope and pray for the best. There is absolutely nothing else that is in my hands right now.
So reading through my rants and raves I find myself concluding to my biggest struggles right now:
1) Letting go of the fact that I don’t have control over anything and I never have and never will.
2) Accepting the fact that my little girl does not think that I am trying to or will ever try to replace her in my heart and life.
3) I am focusing so much energy on protecting “myself” instead of focusing on what matters the most and that is protecting B2K, regardless of the outcome!
Now is the part of getting past those struggles and letting go of things that I can’t control and accepting and dealing with the things that I can…which most times feels like absolutely nothing!
01/18/2011
Well, we had another appointment today to “ease” my mind after dealing with some cramping and discharge and stuff that I didn’t experience with Angel. Amie (our physician’s assistant that we deal with a lot of the time) first tried to find the heartbeat on the Doppler. Despite her warnings that there was a good chance that it was too early to hear the HB on the Doppler and that if we didn’t we would move to an ultrasound, that didn’t stop me from being very anxious after she couldn’t pick it up. We then moved to do an ultrasound where, while the lady looked familiar, thankfully I didn’t put two and two together until after the u/s that she was the one that did our scan when we found out about Angel (this would have led to a complete meltdown anxiety attack from this mom) and she referred to B2K as a Teddy Graham J The heartbeat was there and strong at 173 bpm with little leg and arm buds forming. The only back tracking we experience today was that we won’t be able to do our CVS test next Friday as originally scheduled as it will be too early for Dr Wang to perform the test. He won’t do the test before 11 weeks and we will only be 10w5d. So we had to push this back to the following Thursday, February 3rd and add a whole week to the anticipation to get the test done and over with and additional days to the waiting for the results. However, in hindsight, it was a relief to see B2K’s heart beating strong and growing as they would like! I asked Amie today if I was one of the worst patients she has had and she assured me that I am not even close, that I am not a nut-job (considering I was in tears before they even started the u/s and continued to cry while trying to reschedule our appointment), and feel the need to call for every pull, pain, or stretch that I feel. She still assured me that I was not even close and that is why she is there…this was very re-assuring and helped me justify that I made a good choice to stay with their office just for the sake that I knew she would be patient and caring for my “scares”.
02/03/2011
Today is the day. I don’t know how a day can go so slow and so fast all at the same time. Every half hour that passes approaching 1:00 makes me more and more anxious, nervous and sick to my stomach. At the same time, I continue to look at the clock and say “it’s only 10:23”! I cannot decide what I am more anxious about, waiting to see B2K again and make sure that he/she is okay in there, the poking and prodding of the CVS test, waiting for the FISH results or waiting the really long wait for the overall results. What I do know is that the combination of the anxiety for all of it is making me nauseous just writing about, let along the constant thoughts about it that runs through my mind every other minute. I find myself having a hard time breathing this morning and can probably contribute that to the anxiety and nerves. I have been experiencing some pretty serious headaches the last couple of days that have about put me down and out. I have debated on whether this is due to the nerves as well or a pregnancy thing; this is something that I experienced about the last week of my 1st trimester with Angel and as soon as my 2nd one started they were gone. Or, I can probably contribute it to both of them and thank the anxiety to the severity of them. Today is more pleasant so far as far as headache free day and I was able to sleep through the night (outside of one pee break) without being abruptly awakened by a migraine headache.
In 2 hours we will be heading downtown to cross the first of many hurdles to learn if B2K will be our miracle baby! And I hate the fact that we have to wait so long to officially celebrate that!!
02/09/2011
(Business) Day 4 of 10 of waiting down…only 6 to go. The CVS test was nothing that I could have even begun to imagine or anyone could have thought about preparing me for. The test was awful…absolutely painful and not something that I would like to have to go through again anytime soon! However, the good news is that B2K did great through the whole thing which made the pain much worth it to mommy. Daddy got to watch him/her on the monitor the whole time and he was sure to reassure me that the doctor didn’t get anywhere near the baby throughout the test. A little background on how the test was performed…they went through the abdomen (apparently going trans-cervical increases the risks of m/c so glad they were able to do the other way, in hindsight to what I was hoping previously), similar to the amniocentesis was performed in checking Angel. The needle was thicker as they were w/d placenta tissue instead of just fluid….from someone that has done both tests and thought they were similar, there is a big difference between the two!! But the u/s tech monitors the baby the whole time and watches the heart rate and where the baby is as the needle is inserted right next to the baby. But we both survived well.
B2K is a trooper and seems to be growing at a rapid rate. He/She measured at 11w6d (2 days over what our “dated” date indicated at 11w4d), the heart rate was 156 bpm, and it is a very active baby (when the u/s tech wants it to sit still J). They tested the Nucheal Translucency (the skin on the back of the neck) and that seemed to completely normal at 1.4. We were able to see the arms and legs moving around. The u/s pictures, watching the progress since we started going in, has been amazing!
So now the wait! We did the test on February 3, the doctor told us 10 days…we could potentially get them back around the 11th or the 14th…my birthday. What a great birthday present this could be!!! I continue to pray that Angel is taking care of it all for us. She gave us a great Christmas present and Daddy is adamant that she is going to give Mommy and great birthday present which in turn will result in a great birthday present for him as well!! We continue to hope and pray and Jay continues to be positive enough for both of us!!!
02/15/2011
What a wonderful Valentine’s Day/Birthday it has been! We received our CVS results back yesterday to find out we are having a BT baby girl!! J To say that Jay and I are excited would be an understatement but that doesn’t go without saying there are still some nerves and anxiety. When I say a BT little girl, unfortunately our little girl will have her mom’s balanced translocation passed on to her and aside from what I try to remind myself that it’s an amazing blessing regardless, it breaks my heart to think that my daughter could potentially have to go through even an inkling of the pain that I have had to go through when she is at the age to bear children (30 or 40 years!!) The testing is not totally complete as I was told yesterday the good news “but” scenario; there is a 0.5% chance that B2K could carry both 14 chromosomes from me. Much to my dismay I can find very little information about this case, but according to the genetic counselor that gave us our results, if this small chance occurs that this will cause only learning delays for her in the future. Something that Jay and I can certainly deal with when the time comes and nothing that will cause us to have to make a god-awful decision that we just had to make but something that can prepare us a little bit if that is the case. So they are to continue testing for another 1 to 2 weeks, in addition to a blood draw from Jay and I this afternoon, to determine if this is something that the baby has. Outside of that, I am not aware of any further testing that we will have to endure and we are in the “clear” to share our news with the world!
I am not sure that it has completely set in for me. Jay is of course beside himself and ecstatic to know that he is going to be a daddy (again) and have a little girl. Mom couldn’t wait 5 minutes before sharing the news with Aunt Rhonda J and then I gave her the clear to call all my aunts and uncles and she was beside herself as well! Jay’s parents are ecstatic as well, to be notified that the first Kern girl would be born into the immediate family and have their first granddaughter (I say this very loosely as we consider Angel the “first” granddaughter…).
We have our 4 week checkup today and I feel that this will probably help the news settle in. So here is to another adventure in the Kern household and as always, we know that Angel is taking very good care of all of us and has given her mommy the best birthday present that anyone could ask for…aside from Jay’s birthday present be better than mine, which will be welcoming B2K!!
02/18/2011
Our checkup on Tuesday was quick and for the most part painless (aside from both of us getting blood drawn). The nurse went to listen to the heartbeat on the Doppler and was trying to prepare me that the baby might be “hiding” and that she might have to look a little while….instead, immediately she put the Doppler on me and the baby’s heartbeat came right up. No hiding for this one!! The heartbeat was strong at 163ish. We didn’t get the scans that we have gotten so used to so there was a little disappointment but we did schedule our 18 week scan (only 4 weeks away!!) and that has caused me some pretty high anxiety. As most already know this is when we found out there were serious issues with Angel…so I kind of consider this maybe the final hurdle to get over before I can actually buckle down and really “relax” for the rest of the pregnancy. Even knowing the test results are good and that there isn’t an unbalance issue, I still want to hear someone tell me “Yup, the heart is fine”, “Yup, the brain is developed great”, “Yup, the eyes are perfect”. All of that stuff that we didn’t know to ask before and were shell shocked with after the fact. I have also encouraged Jay to ask any questions that he has during the scan even if he thinks they are “stupid”. So with that, March 22nd will be our 18 week scan and hopefully a final hurdle for this mommy to get over to be “at ease” and to continue (maybe I should say start) with the preparation of B2K getting here…and trust me there is a lot!! J
I am finally going to post this on the blog and be able to embellish a little bit on the fact that we can share with more comfort with those that we love and care about and know that the extra prayers will be just that much more help…and more people for Angel to listen to!!
