I sit here wondering what to write next. Do I use the blog for a "punching bag" or a "crying post"? Do I use the blog as a means to get my emotions out when I don't know how to talk about them or do I keep it "nice" for everyone that is reading it and I want them to know that we are going to be okay? Well, I decided to do both...I have decided to use this as my means to scream, cry, yell and remember in the best way that I know how to do it...by writing it down. So consider this a forewarning that all posts may not be the best of things for everyone to read and while it seems "public" to those reading it and I apologize for that, this is the best way that I know how to get my emotions out as I don't know how to talk about them as well as I wish I could.
I begin my emotional outlet with Tuesday being probably my worst day so far. We were beginning to deal with the fact that due to a fluke we were going to and have lost our little girl because of a genetic disorder that is uncommon and a "bad deal of the cards". Not only did we have to deal with that but we were also notified that this disorder was not only a bad deal but also due to a genetic defect that either Jay or I carried. That carrier ended up being me. As of that day, it was the end of my world. The feeling of being responsible for the pain that our little girl had to go through, the pain of not being able to give my husband the one thing that he so desperately wants...a family, the feeling of being a failure and a terrible person all in one. I felt myself falling away from Jay against my will and pushing him away because I was a terrible wife, mother and person. However, yesterday, I realized that I had to put that aside and not push my husband away from me and realize that he loves me and is there for me. He and I met with the genetics counselor and was given options. We are not at a lost cause of having our family. Jay being the optimist in our family and me being the pessimist I couldn't help but share his hope that we will one day have our family. That is a hard thing to realize now when I so desperately thought and hoped that this would be the time that family would begin. Coming to terms with it right now is very hard.
That being said, I wanted to share some "better" news and say that Angel is home!! We were able to pick her up from Isles Funeral Home yesterday morning and I find this to be a little bit of peace of mind that our little girl is home and that is where she will stay for awhile. We don't have any plans as of now for a public service or any plans of "letting her go" for the time being. We have decided, with the route that we decided, that we would rather have her home with us and that remains the plans until we are both comfortable and at peace with placing her with my grandparents and Uncle Steve in Villisca. We don't know when that will be or if that will be and know that when the time comes Angel will let us know.
I continue to struggle understanding and asking "Why". I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am never going to get that answer. I try to take comfort in knowing that our Angel is looking down on me and as Jay keeps reminding she is probably kicking me in the ass right now telling me to get things figured out, she is okay now, she is happy and she wants me to be happy too. Someday Angel Girl, someday I will be able to look back on this and be happy along with you. That someday just seems like an eternity from here.....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
"Dear Mom & Dad" found & given by Grandma Lint
Dear Mom and Dad: I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair that I never even was able to say “hello”. I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will,but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for eternity.
Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist. Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting upwith the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.
Thanks for the tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have suffered. Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.
If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and so badly want answers.
I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back intothe house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.
On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star younever noticed before?
One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying andfor crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”,“good-bye for just a little while longer”.
Love you!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern
Rest in Peace our Little Angel Girl!
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern was born and entered into Heaven on Tuesday, June 16th at 12:56 pm. She was born at 20 weeks, 4 days gestation and she is beautiful as ever. She weighed in at 13.2 oz and measured at 10 inches long. She had her daddy's ears, her mommy's cheeks and chin, her daddy's strength, her mommy's hard-head and ALWAYS her mommy and daddy's endless love.
While this has been a hard two weeks for her mommy and daddy, as well as the rest of her family and friends that she has already been loved by, we know that she is in good hands in "the sky" with her Grandma & Grandpa Kern, Grandma & Grandpa Simmons, Uncle "Grandpa" Steve, Uncle Terry as well as God plus many others that have the great benefit of having the joy of taking her into their hands. We know that she is as spoiled and most importantly, loved as ever already!
This is something that Jay and I find very hard to comprehend and understand the "Why" and "What" and continue to deal with the grief, anger, confusion and sadness; we are at peace knowing that our little girl has wings; she is flying in the Gates of Heaven and we will always have our guardian angel looking over us forever. We continue to struggle to understand why we can't have her here with us looking over us but will slowly come to terms that He works in mysterious ways, has a reason for everything that he does and while we will never understand why he didn't let us have our beautiful girl he gave us the opportunity to love her unselfishly and put her in His hands to be cared for.
"Most of us only dream of angels, we held one in our arms" and we will always remember and cheerish the few hours that we got to hold our Angel girl. We hope to be able to share pictures of our precious girl with less pain in the near future. In the mean time, know that we have appreciated more than words can ever say all of the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way in the last two weeks. Have peace knowing, as we continue to search for, that our angel is being loved and cared for in the best hands possible for her right now. We love you all and we certainly can say that we know just how precious and fragile life is!
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern was born and entered into Heaven on Tuesday, June 16th at 12:56 pm. She was born at 20 weeks, 4 days gestation and she is beautiful as ever. She weighed in at 13.2 oz and measured at 10 inches long. She had her daddy's ears, her mommy's cheeks and chin, her daddy's strength, her mommy's hard-head and ALWAYS her mommy and daddy's endless love.
While this has been a hard two weeks for her mommy and daddy, as well as the rest of her family and friends that she has already been loved by, we know that she is in good hands in "the sky" with her Grandma & Grandpa Kern, Grandma & Grandpa Simmons, Uncle "Grandpa" Steve, Uncle Terry as well as God plus many others that have the great benefit of having the joy of taking her into their hands. We know that she is as spoiled and most importantly, loved as ever already!
This is something that Jay and I find very hard to comprehend and understand the "Why" and "What" and continue to deal with the grief, anger, confusion and sadness; we are at peace knowing that our little girl has wings; she is flying in the Gates of Heaven and we will always have our guardian angel looking over us forever. We continue to struggle to understand why we can't have her here with us looking over us but will slowly come to terms that He works in mysterious ways, has a reason for everything that he does and while we will never understand why he didn't let us have our beautiful girl he gave us the opportunity to love her unselfishly and put her in His hands to be cared for.
"Most of us only dream of angels, we held one in our arms" and we will always remember and cheerish the few hours that we got to hold our Angel girl. We hope to be able to share pictures of our precious girl with less pain in the near future. In the mean time, know that we have appreciated more than words can ever say all of the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way in the last two weeks. Have peace knowing, as we continue to search for, that our angel is being loved and cared for in the best hands possible for her right now. We love you all and we certainly can say that we know just how precious and fragile life is!
Tiny Angel
Author Unkown
Tiny Angel rest your wingsSit with me awhile.
Author Unkown
Tiny Angel rest your wingsSit with me awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,I want this image clear....That I will forget your precious faceIs my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,Why you have gone away?You weren't here for very long...Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,"These things I do not know...But I do know you loved me,
And that I loved you so."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Update
The appointment with the perinetal doctor today, while no new news was revealed, Jay and I were able to get several of our questions answered. While it feels as though we have a million of them running through our heads at one time, we did feel that we are more informed in addition to the daily google searches on the syndrome by this mom.
First, Baby K is a fighter and stubborn! She is certainly as hard headed as her mommy and daddy and her heart rate was at 160 in addition to her dislike to being poked and prodded. They did not do an ultrasound today but did check on her heart and she was kicking the monitor and moving away from it as they tried to get her rate. We are to go in next Tuesday for another ultrasound.
Second, Baby K's mommy and daddy are fighters too. While we know everything happens for a reason and will never know for sure what that reason is we have determined a few of those over the past 7 days. One being that our marriage will become stronger and we will become closer as a couple in the weeks to come. Second, we are aware of how terribly precious life really is and to not ever take anything for granted! While these are only a couple of the reasons that we have come up with we are certain that we will never understand why God has dealt us this hand but we do know that he doesn't give out more than he thinks we can handle. We are a strong couple and would not be as strong as we are without the support system that we have in helping us deal with this. It's because of our friends and family, the thoughts and prayers that we have received and the love of each other and all of you that we know that we will survive this bad luck draw.
Our little girl will always be our angel girl! We will always know that she is going to be very well taken care of "in the sky" by Great Grandparents, Uncles and the "tooth fairy". We also know that she will always be looking over us. Jay and I will be strong, we are determined that we will make it through this, together, and will always have our daughter in our hearts forever and ever! We continue to cheerish and appreciate all of our friends and family and will always remember how precious life is and not take anything for granted.
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
First, Baby K is a fighter and stubborn! She is certainly as hard headed as her mommy and daddy and her heart rate was at 160 in addition to her dislike to being poked and prodded. They did not do an ultrasound today but did check on her heart and she was kicking the monitor and moving away from it as they tried to get her rate. We are to go in next Tuesday for another ultrasound.
Second, Baby K's mommy and daddy are fighters too. While we know everything happens for a reason and will never know for sure what that reason is we have determined a few of those over the past 7 days. One being that our marriage will become stronger and we will become closer as a couple in the weeks to come. Second, we are aware of how terribly precious life really is and to not ever take anything for granted! While these are only a couple of the reasons that we have come up with we are certain that we will never understand why God has dealt us this hand but we do know that he doesn't give out more than he thinks we can handle. We are a strong couple and would not be as strong as we are without the support system that we have in helping us deal with this. It's because of our friends and family, the thoughts and prayers that we have received and the love of each other and all of you that we know that we will survive this bad luck draw.
Our little girl will always be our angel girl! We will always know that she is going to be very well taken care of "in the sky" by Great Grandparents, Uncles and the "tooth fairy". We also know that she will always be looking over us. Jay and I will be strong, we are determined that we will make it through this, together, and will always have our daughter in our hearts forever and ever! We continue to cheerish and appreciate all of our friends and family and will always remember how precious life is and not take anything for granted.
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Baby K
Very fortunately for us, but unfortunately we do not have the ability to call everyone that we know that cares for and loves us. With that said, this is the best way that we know how to get in touch with everyone that is concerned about the situation of things and to keep as many people up to date as possible without making anyone feel as thought they HAVE to know the situation.
With that said, the last 5 days have been the hardest, most trying days of our lives. During our 19 week ultrasound this past Thursday, we were notified that Baby K is a baby girl and at the same time were notified that there are a lot of complications and defects with our little girl. We were provided with basic information that the OB doctors were able to give us that there were some complications and we would have to see a high-risk specialist immediately. We visited the Perinetal Clinic the following day where where they took many more pictures of her which confirmed our little girl indeed had a lot of defects in her brain, heart, facial developments and hip developments and the prognosis is not good for her. An amniocentesis was performed and results received today confirmed that our baby is being affected by a rare but fatal chromosome issue (Trisomy 13 - Patau Syndrome. Can see http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1209.asp for more information or Google the syndrom and will get more information than you probably want!) that affects 1 in 16,000 babies. There is certainly a lot of information I have researched on the topic in the last few days and a lot of things that have overwhelmed us! But regardless, still remains a lot of unknowns and decisions that still have to be made in a short period of time. We have been told that it is a lose/lose situation for us, there is nothing that we can do to help her but have also been assured that there is nothing that we did or did not do to cause this pain for her either. It was a bad luck of the draw and with the diagnosis of the chromosomes we will not be deferred from having children in the future.
After our confirmation today of the reasoning for our angel girl's issues, we have set up a follow-up appointment with our specialist for Thursday afternoon where we will be able to get at least a few of our many questions answered. In the mean time, this news has devastated us and while we feel we are taking the appropriate steps to get through this together we also know that we a lot of love and support from all of our family and friends. It's the love, thoughts and prayers of all of you that will get our family through this very hard and trying time in our lives. We love you all and know that we have the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for from each and every one of you. Our Baby Girl is a fighter! She is stubborn just like her mommy and daddy, she knows that she is very loved and we will all get through this! Baby K has a lot of family "in the sky" that will take very, very good care of her. Great Grandma and Grandpa Kern, Great Grandma and Grandpa Simmons, Great Grandpa Seibert, "Grandpa" (Uncle) Steve, and Uncle Terry as well as many other family members that we have turned over to God will take very good care of her and she will always be our Angel Girl! We thank you all again for being our rocks and the skies will be brighter soon!
With that said, the last 5 days have been the hardest, most trying days of our lives. During our 19 week ultrasound this past Thursday, we were notified that Baby K is a baby girl and at the same time were notified that there are a lot of complications and defects with our little girl. We were provided with basic information that the OB doctors were able to give us that there were some complications and we would have to see a high-risk specialist immediately. We visited the Perinetal Clinic the following day where where they took many more pictures of her which confirmed our little girl indeed had a lot of defects in her brain, heart, facial developments and hip developments and the prognosis is not good for her. An amniocentesis was performed and results received today confirmed that our baby is being affected by a rare but fatal chromosome issue (Trisomy 13 - Patau Syndrome. Can see http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1209.asp for more information or Google the syndrom and will get more information than you probably want!) that affects 1 in 16,000 babies. There is certainly a lot of information I have researched on the topic in the last few days and a lot of things that have overwhelmed us! But regardless, still remains a lot of unknowns and decisions that still have to be made in a short period of time. We have been told that it is a lose/lose situation for us, there is nothing that we can do to help her but have also been assured that there is nothing that we did or did not do to cause this pain for her either. It was a bad luck of the draw and with the diagnosis of the chromosomes we will not be deferred from having children in the future.
After our confirmation today of the reasoning for our angel girl's issues, we have set up a follow-up appointment with our specialist for Thursday afternoon where we will be able to get at least a few of our many questions answered. In the mean time, this news has devastated us and while we feel we are taking the appropriate steps to get through this together we also know that we a lot of love and support from all of our family and friends. It's the love, thoughts and prayers of all of you that will get our family through this very hard and trying time in our lives. We love you all and know that we have the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for from each and every one of you. Our Baby Girl is a fighter! She is stubborn just like her mommy and daddy, she knows that she is very loved and we will all get through this! Baby K has a lot of family "in the sky" that will take very, very good care of her. Great Grandma and Grandpa Kern, Great Grandma and Grandpa Simmons, Great Grandpa Seibert, "Grandpa" (Uncle) Steve, and Uncle Terry as well as many other family members that we have turned over to God will take very good care of her and she will always be our Angel Girl! We thank you all again for being our rocks and the skies will be brighter soon!
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)