I sit here wondering what to write next. Do I use the blog for a "punching bag" or a "crying post"? Do I use the blog as a means to get my emotions out when I don't know how to talk about them or do I keep it "nice" for everyone that is reading it and I want them to know that we are going to be okay? Well, I decided to do both...I have decided to use this as my means to scream, cry, yell and remember in the best way that I know how to do it...by writing it down. So consider this a forewarning that all posts may not be the best of things for everyone to read and while it seems "public" to those reading it and I apologize for that, this is the best way that I know how to get my emotions out as I don't know how to talk about them as well as I wish I could.
I begin my emotional outlet with Tuesday being probably my worst day so far. We were beginning to deal with the fact that due to a fluke we were going to and have lost our little girl because of a genetic disorder that is uncommon and a "bad deal of the cards". Not only did we have to deal with that but we were also notified that this disorder was not only a bad deal but also due to a genetic defect that either Jay or I carried. That carrier ended up being me. As of that day, it was the end of my world. The feeling of being responsible for the pain that our little girl had to go through, the pain of not being able to give my husband the one thing that he so desperately wants...a family, the feeling of being a failure and a terrible person all in one. I felt myself falling away from Jay against my will and pushing him away because I was a terrible wife, mother and person. However, yesterday, I realized that I had to put that aside and not push my husband away from me and realize that he loves me and is there for me. He and I met with the genetics counselor and was given options. We are not at a lost cause of having our family. Jay being the optimist in our family and me being the pessimist I couldn't help but share his hope that we will one day have our family. That is a hard thing to realize now when I so desperately thought and hoped that this would be the time that family would begin. Coming to terms with it right now is very hard.
That being said, I wanted to share some "better" news and say that Angel is home!! We were able to pick her up from Isles Funeral Home yesterday morning and I find this to be a little bit of peace of mind that our little girl is home and that is where she will stay for awhile. We don't have any plans as of now for a public service or any plans of "letting her go" for the time being. We have decided, with the route that we decided, that we would rather have her home with us and that remains the plans until we are both comfortable and at peace with placing her with my grandparents and Uncle Steve in Villisca. We don't know when that will be or if that will be and know that when the time comes Angel will let us know.
I continue to struggle understanding and asking "Why". I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am never going to get that answer. I try to take comfort in knowing that our Angel is looking down on me and as Jay keeps reminding she is probably kicking me in the ass right now telling me to get things figured out, she is okay now, she is happy and she wants me to be happy too. Someday Angel Girl, someday I will be able to look back on this and be happy along with you. That someday just seems like an eternity from here.....
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