It is hard to believe that two weeks ago we had to say good bye to our precious Angel. Two weeks ago that seems like only Two Seconds at times was the hardest day of my life but at the same time the best day of my life. I know that is hard to believe to many...especially those that have never had to go through something like this...but I have, in the past two weeks and really just came to terms with it myself in the last day or so, come to terms that while it is unfair, horribly sad, completely confusing and horrifying, that I was given the chance to hold my little girl. To see her beautiful face, her adorable ten fingers and ten toes, to kiss her and hug her and tell her goodbye and that I love her with all that I have. So many do not get that opportunity and my heart aches for them!! My heart is aching, I am sad beyond belief and confused as hell...but the fact that I got to hold my little girl and tell her that Mommy and Daddy really love her and are (unnecessarily) sorry that we couldn't help her...that is a true blessing!
I got to talk to someone today that I consider a friend via facebook...she told me that the only thing that will get someone through a time like this is Faith...I believe that through and through. I wasn't raised with religious background...I believe in God, I have always believed in God and done whatever I could and knew how to do to practice that...but church and praying was not something that I was taught how to do (if there is a "proper" way of doing so) and not something that I have ever been comfortable doing. In the past 4 weeks, I am practicing those ways. I am "speaking" to Him and hoping along the way I will do it the proper way, He will forgive me for not knowing and not practicing it often but that he will listen to me now and get me through this time as I have confidence that he will.
In addition to Him and my practices in the last few weeks, I cannot say thank you enough to all of my friends and family that has been there for us. All of the thoughts and prayers and love and support that we have received in the past few weeks in addition to the love that we have for each other, Jay and I wouldn't have gotten this far without it all.
Two weeks ago we had to say hello and goodbye in only a matter of minutes and even 14 days later the pain is as fresh as ever. Just when I think that I might be feeling a little better or might have a chance at getting through this and take whatever step is "supposed" to be next, I fall off again...BUT there is always someone there to pick me up, put me back on my feet to take the first step all over again. It doesn't help that I am way to hard on myself (as many know already) and that I expect too much of myself...that I expect to be back to "normal" and good as new. I set myself up for disappointment in those expectations because I am not even sure what "normal" is anymore let alone be able to feel it. But I do know that I am a determined, hard headed stubborn person just like my daughter was and I will be okay again...I will do what I need to do to be strong again...and I will never, ever be able to send enough thanks and gratitude to those that have been there to pick me up and put me back on my feet when I needed them!
Two seconds, Two minutes, Two Days, Two Weeks, Two Months, Two Years....nothing will replace with few hours that I got to hold my little girl and nothing will replace the love that I will have for her forever and ever! I love you Angel! Mommy and Daddy will always love you, remember you and you will never be replaced in our hearts! Forever and Ever!!
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