I take comfort in my good days beginning to outweigh my bad days...they are about 3 to 1 lately. I just might get through this! While I would like to say there weren't any doubts, if I did say that I would be lying. I was wondering if I would make it through with my sanity intact.
I continue to struggle with my ability to talk about my feelings and really hardly understand those feelings myself. I can go from good to bad faster than even I know how to deal with...let alone anyone that is around me...in particular, my husband. He does seem to keep up pretty well for the time being :) but I pity him for not knowing what he is going to deal with from one minute to the next. But then again, neither do I so I guess I can't pity him too much without pitying myself. I have never been one that is good at talking about my feelings...at least out loud...so I guess I have to be thankful for being able to write them down better than I am able to talk about them. At least then I write them down and I don't feel so incredibly stupid and no one can see if I am having a total melt down, yelling and screaming or crying my fool head off.
I have made the decision to return back to work next week. Not so much to get back in the swing of things like I have so many times been told lately but because I realized that the world does not stop (no matter how much I would like it to) and sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't doing me any good either. I take a lot of comfort returning to work knowing that I have an amazing support system there as well. It will not be easy I am sure but I do have to continue with life and continue with the world no matter how much I dread it at times.
I have also taken a couple more steps in finding support and working to understand the terms that we have been dealt in the last few weeks. I joined a support group on Yahoo that has individuals dealing with the balanced translocations that was I diagnosed with as well as a couple of facebook pages. I also plan to join a support group at the hospital but that will come later on when Jay is ready to attend with me. While I know that I will never fully understand, like everyone else that I have spoken to, everything that is associated with Robertsonian Translocation, I am one that wants all the information I can get. There are so many unknowns and unforeseen things that comes along with this since Jay and I are still "child bearing". The translocation doesn't affect anything in life until the reproduction stages and those unknowns are the biggest fears of mine right now. There are people that go through numbers of miscarriages and some even infertility. The "controlled" life that I used to have and the fact that I knew when and where...well, that is something that I have to give up on now. But we are determined people, we are too damn stubborn to let this drag us down and take away our desires to have a family, and we want our family more than anything right now to have this detour stop us. Doesn't make it hurt any less, doesn't make me dread going into Target and passing by the one of what seems like hundreds of pregnant people or the aisles of kids toys and baby items that I should be buying right now, it doesn't make the anger that it should be me buying those things go away and it doesn't make my heart heal any faster, and it doesn't make me any less terrified about the road on that journey...but I am determined to get past this and my daughter would kick me in the ass if I thought any other way (as Jay continues to remind me on my bad days).
Three weeks ago today we said hello and good-bye and continue to miss Angel painfully and continuously. But we stick together and support one another (more so Jay supporting me than otherwise...). We continue to get stronger each day and find reasons to believe that we will make it through this and there will be some reason to this hell that we may never know or understand. We also continue to thank our support systems; our family and friends that have helped us through all of this. You certainly figure out who is true and who isn't and more than anything know not to take anything for granted!
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
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