I started writing this post last Tuesday (20th) and have never posted it but after reading through it and realizing that many of my "feelings" have similiarities today, I will leave them and adjust accordingly. Last Tuesday proved to be ranked in the top 5 (maybe top 3) of worst days so far with a complete meltdown and hours of tears.
My confusion continues, the emotional hurt and pain is still there, the next course to take remains unknown and the world continues to move. I have wished so many times that the world would just stop for me, that everything would just stop until I was ready for it to start again.
They have the handbooks for dummies on every subject in the world accept for this process of grieving and wish I hadn't been naive enough to think it was going to simply ease after only a month. So many people have said to me "you aren't supposed to be any way", "it's different for everyone", "take your time". It was pointed out to me that another struggle that I am having is that I am trying to be how I think I am "supposed" to be. I am putting myself on this timeline that I should be at this point now, this point in 2 weeks, here in 4. I am anticipating that timeline that I expect the rest of the world to put me on so I am trying to be preemptive on it, I suppose. And I try and try not to be so hard on myself, to give myself the luxury of time, to allow myself to have ups and downs that are exhausting and tell myself over and over again that you can't control your feelings. But then I am faced with the fact that everyone else is moving forward but I feel as though I am stuck in my own pity and sorrow. Why doesn't anyone else need the time that I do, why are they able to go back to normal and I am still crying every other day, why can't I move forward? ...because I wasn't supposed to have to figure out how to live life without Angel, because she is supposed to be part of everything else that I did for the rest of my life. As of March 1st when we found out about our blessing we weren't supposed to have to prepare for anything other than how to change our lives to accommodate our baby living her life with us!
As for post-last-Tuesday, the 20th, and following-up with this Tuesday: I had a "good" rest of the week after that break down, spent a great weekend with my husband, but then woke up on Monday morning with that familiar empty feeling. That lump in my throat, the emptiness in my stomach and pain in my heart that has become all too familiar. And of course comes the frustration that I have fallen again and the confusion that comes with it because I don't know why. I KNOW that Angel is okay now, I KNOW that she is very much loved by her family in the sky, I KNOW that she has no pain and no worries and is being taken care of by the best people ever and I turn to convince myself to feel selfish because I want to be that person to make her feel that love no matter how great those hands are that are loving and caring for her which in turn makes me feel angry for feeling that way. It is one big vicious circle and one very big, uncontrollable and overwhelming emotional rollercoaster...I hate rollercoasters as a kid, I hate them now as an adult and this one is no different!
Finally, I have decided to proceed in searching for additional support. While it is necessary for me to use whatever means I can to make sense of as much as I can, I also find myself being out of character and my emotions and reactions being out of control in comparison to how "I used to be". Most importantly I find myself reacting in bad ways to those that I love the most. While I've been told I do that sub-consciously because I know that they will forgive me, I fear that one time I will do it and they won't forgive me and I can't risk losing something else that means so much to me. It isn't like me to react personally to those that I love and while I know that I am not the same person that I used to be I will not be that person either.
I continue to look for those magic words, that magic pill, the magic cure for "grieving pain" and still haven't found it. But I do have to give myself credit, as a great friend has told me, that those good days that I have had aren't a bad thing. It goes to prove that this won't last forever. It is going to get better and I have to give myself credit and allow myself to go through the motions to get through this. Without those encouraging words, I might begin to think that I am going to be in pain forever...
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