We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do.

It has been a few weeks since my last post which goes to prove to myself that I can see improvement in my need to have an emotional outlet less often. I find myself more able to get past my setbacks and continue on with my day. I still have my triggers, still have my times of feeling the emptiness and sadness, but I find that those times don't last as long as they used to and I can get past them and suppose have become more tolerable of them.

However, the frustrations continue about other people's ways of dealing with things and comparing them with my own, and I try to determine who I should be hard on...me or them? I try to remind myself that everyone handles everything differently, everyone deals with things differently. It's so hard for me not to want to scream "don't you know what today is!!" like it's some big national event/holiday that everyone should remember. I am sure with time this will pass, the 16th of every month will not feel like a day to remind me of the hurt and more like another day that passes in a month. And won't feel like a day that everyone else forgets and possibly a day that someday I can get through without feeling as bad as I do today. A friend of mine told me today, just like there is a 16th to every month there is a Wednesday to every week...I have been able to go by the last few Wednesdays without crying because of the day...and sometime soon I will be able to get past the 16th of the month in the same fashion. Right now, I can't do that and I tell myself that this is okay and this how I feel and I can't control my feelings! I consider myself very fortunate to have some instances that I don't have to worry about who is feeling what and when, I can act like myself and show whatever emotion I need to feel at that point without any judgement. The next 16th of the month may pass better than this one and there are still plenty of days that I dread whole-heartedly...The Holidays, October 30th (really the whole month of October relinquishes terrible empty feelings for me), June 16th next year...the thought of these days makes my heart hurt all over again but I know that I will get through them and survive them just as I have the last 75 days.

It is hard to believe that it has been two months today. Two months already since the day that we had to say good-bye to our little girl only shortly after we said hello to her. But those that told me that I wouldn't forget, they were right. Even though I don't cry for hours every day for Angel, and short moments do pass that I don't think about her, and everything about Angel doesn't consume my thoughts and functioning each day...she is always in the back of my mind and front of my heart all of the time. Just because I do not show those feelings all of the time as I once did primarily because society does expect one to return to "normalcy" at some point, I miss her like crazy, I love her to pieces and while I my Tuesday nights by myself no longer consist of crying as they once did while Jay was at golf league, I am working on returning to everyday life to meet back up with everyone else that has been able to do the same and also to honor my little girl and show her that Mommy is strong and will do it for her!