Well time has certainly flown by and just realizing that I haven't updated the blog in awhile...again, life as we know it! I write this in the few minutes that Jay and I have switched hands as we deal with another rough day with a fussy baby girl. We have recently been dealing with the challenges of breast feeding and this mommy not being able to keep up with Miss Alivia's appetite. In saying that, we have had to do a little supplementing with formula because I am not producing enough to feed her; leading to upset tummy's this week trying to get her used to it in addition to some constipation. I continue this story with the feeling of this mommy feeling absolutely terrible and worthless!! The one thing that I thought would go without a hitch and I would actually know how to do without failing I feel as though I am doing just that. I have to say that this job (YES, it's a job!!) is much harder than I would have ever anticipated!! There are so many controversial things, different things being told by different people, doctors saying different things then being told to do what you think is best in which I have no idea what is best and what isn't. My girl is a tummy girl as Nana and Papa discovered over the weekend that they were so gracious to watch her while Jay and I had an "adult" day at the IA vs ISU game...doctor's say don't put them on their tummy. She sleeps 4-5 hours on her tummy and maybe an hour on her back...if she sleeps, I sleep; if she's happy, I'm happy. It is so incredibly hard to know what is best for her, know what to do for her and when to do it, to know the "right" and the "wrong"! But as I am constantly told, the motherly instinct will tell me what to do and what is right for my girl...but I am starting to wonder if I have that instinct helping me out!! But we have survived this long and we have made it 4 weeks so I guess we must be doing something right along the way. I keep hearing that it gets easier....and while it gets more bearable I am still waiting for the easier part to come!
Outside of my constant questioning and phone calls/text messages to my mom asking what to do, Miss Alivia continues to change every day. It is so hard to believe that she is already going to be a month old on Sunday! And she has certainly started to create her own personality and attitude in that short month...and temper! ; ) It won't be long and all of her newborn clothes will have to be packed away and start on the stock of 0-3 month clothes and I am sure shortly followed by the 3-6 month if she keeps going! (I said our girl likes to eat!) As the weather continues and we seem to be experiencing the October weather in September the warmer clothes have had to come out anyways.
Jay and I continue to search for our places in things. Everyone told us this would be the biggest challenge to our relationship that we should ever experience and I certainly believe that. We are challenged in the lifestyle changes that we have had in the last 4 weeks since we don't eat together, we don't go to bed together and there are many nights that we don't really get to talk to each other. But this, too, will get easier and we will find that place together again I am sure of it! It is again a surprise the level of "change" that a new baby brings and the "challenges" but nothing that we won't be able to handle in the long run! I have no doubt it will all come together for all three of us!! (4 if you count EmJay!)
I noticed I have continued the trend of yet another rambling post as all of my thoughts and emotions run together and out to the blog. There are a lot of those thoughts running all at once as I ask myself "what the hell am I doing" but at the end of the day when I get to hold my little girl and she snuggles back up to me I know exactly what I am doing...becoming more and more of a mother and falling more and more in love with her as the days go! It's a learning experience and I will tell anyone that contemplates becoming a mother. I doubted it when I kept hearing it...I never should have. I have never felt more doubtful and questioning of myself as I do now but I will learning something each day and hopefully become more comfortable with my "instincts" as a mommy.
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