Daddy's Angel by T. Carter

The song and title pretty much says it all about the meaning to our family. A song that my sister used for her father-daughter dance at her wedding and has a different special meaning to Jay and me. Thanks for finding and showing it Mom.

"Every time you get knocked down you get up stronger."

I find me asking myself if it is the most appropriate to continue this blog and continue updating it with a public view of my emotions as I am able to write about them. I am guessing that it's not and not as fitting to continue updating as it was before when I was able to share good news with people. But then I tell myself why not take the bad with the good and this seems to be the only outlet that I feel comfortable and able to use lately. So with that, I shall continue it as the only way that I know how to communicate my feelings without others feeling uncomfortable or not wanting to talk about or listen. However, don't be surprised if the blog becomes "un-public" to avoid any judgements or sadness to others as I use this as an outlet.
I once again started this post several days ago when I was really struggling and finding it very hard to make sense of any of the feelings that I was feeling or the thoughts that I was thinking; but once again, as I read over what I started all of those feelings still ring familiar to me and remain the same for me still today as they did last week.


I sit here trying to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts, to make sense of them all and have realized that it is a hopeless cause. Instead, try to make sense of the anger that I am feeling, the jealousy that I am feeling, the confusion about what I am feeling and why...and this, too, is hopeless.
I find myself dreading the days to come before they even get here; which is something that I said that I wouldn't do. That I would take one day at a time. Just the thought of the month of October makes me hurt all over again. Knowing of the things that I am supposed to be preparing for, knowing that I should be awaiting the day that I could tell Jay that it was time to go to the hospital and not anxiously awaiting the day that I could take another pregnancy test and have it be positive but then the excitment being overcome by the fear that it isn't going to last. Knowing that I should be planning a 10 week "vacation" to enjoy the homecoming of our daughter and instead planning a 5 day vacation to hurt from the loss of our daughter instead. Knowing that a co-worker is going get to bring home their baby over Christmas and I am going to take 3 days off prior to and wish that I could skip the whole holiday altogether.

The frustration and infuriation that I feel seems to be leaking into the rest of my life. I have so much anger and pessimism in me that it reflects in the way that I treat other people, my husband particularly. I get angry that he doesn't want to talk about my pain with me (or better said that I can't talk to him about it), I get angry that he is able to think and be so positive while I am negative and awful to him all of the time. That I can't get past my own pain and heartache to enjoy time and life with him. My jealousy reflects very much in how I feel after I hear someone just mention the word baby but then get to hear about the greatnesses of parenting and all of the accomplishments their kids have done. But at the same time I don't not want to hear about it. It's like a double-edge sword...that most of the time I feel like someone is sticking in my back everytime I hear them talking about their kid(s). I actually feel like, whenever just the word baby is mentioned, that they are taunting me...doing it on purpose as some sort of sick punishment (I know...the only one sick in that thought is ME). It seems to be worst the last few days that I just want to scream everytime a child is mentioned. It's ridiculous...I am well aware...but also not something that I can control and I don't indulge in that need to scream...so it's relatively harmless (to other's anyways).

It has taken me over a week to semi- put my feelings in writing and still they don't come out where I can feel they make sense...
I am looking forward to meeting with a lady that I was matched up with in the Parent-to-Parent Infant Loss Support Group during the first few weeks when I was trying to figure out what to do to help ease the pain. Initially she and I were emailing back and forth but I recently decided that I was ready to meet her in person. The support group doesn't have formal meetings but they are parents in the DSM area and the leader matches you up with someone that has dealt with similar heartaches that you have. She experienced her loss 4 years ago and I take comfort in knowing even after 4 years that she still feels the pain (however, my heart hurts for her and everyone else that has had to deal with anything that closely resembles this!!). While it's not as overwhelming for her as it once was I feel better that I am feeling this amount of pain 4 months later aside from what others expect me to feel and how they expect me to act. Another member was also matched up with me shortly after I joined who also lost a baby to Trisomy and I am hopefully going to be able to meet with her later this week/early next week as well. While I was apprehensive about the leader getting her in touch with me so soon afterwards when I was trying to figure out my own things let alone trying to help someone else; but I am grateful that she did and it's been a huge help in speaking with someone that is going through something very similar to my own situation. The only difference was that her child was Trisomy 18 while Angel was 13...all other scenarios and decisions were the same. I look forward to meeting with her as well.


"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." ---Isak Dinesen

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday" ~Author Unknown

Here I sit, another month gone by and continue to find myself with more strength and determination than I had the month before. That doesn't go without saying that I still have my moments that I just want to scream, cry, yell, ask "WHY"? But moments are all they are and I continue on, pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on with as much positivity that I can muster. This also doesn't go without saying that I have my days in the near future that I am dreading...the whole month of October for example. Knowing that I should nearing the end of my pregnancy, training my co-workers to do my duties at my desk preparing for 10 weeks off of work. The closer October gets the bigger the hole feels knowing that the 10 weeks off is not going to happen...at least not now! I had a moment when I returned to bowling league knowing that I should be "huge" and "uncomfortable" and that I should have been only there for a few weeks then have to find a sub for me because I was at home with our child. In reference to huge, my sister's wedding will be a bittersweet day in my happiness for her wedding day but knowing how I was to look in the dress that she picked out for me. I was supposed to look hideous and I would give anything now to look like I was supposed to look! I continue to wish for a fast forward button to skip over all of the holiday season...just for this year...knowing that it should be Angel's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...but now would give anything to skip right past to the New Year's and put this whole year behind me. The time couldn't come soon enough that I can say good-bye to 2010!!

However, with all of that said, I told myself that I would put positive things in this post and I am determined to do that for the first time in 15 weeks. =)

#1) My little sister is getting married this weekend!! It seems like she just got engaged but the time is finally here and I am excited to stand up next to her as her maid of honor!

#2) Along with my sisters wedding, I get to see all of our family that I don't get to see nearly enough!! I am looking forward to spending time with them all!

#3) Jay turned 30 on August 24th. My friend, Katie, and I threw him and her husband, Matt, a surprise 30th birthday party and it was a great success! A short version of the story with Matt was that their son, Kale, was born on February 6th and Matt's 30th birthday was on the 7th so she wasn't able to do much for him so we combined the two and it was a lot of fun! A lot of friends and family were able to make it and we had a great time!

#4) My dad turned the big 5-0 this year! We also had a get together for him, what was supposed to be a surprise of course didn't end up being one and he ended up finding out as always, but it was a good time (for the most part) and good to see friends and family show up for his 50th birthday party!

#5) Our "kids" are all growing up so very fast! Ashleigh (6 1/2) started the first grade this year, Colten (5) started Kindergarten, Alexander (4) started school and Brayden (2) continues to grow and develop everytime I see him!! We enjoy all the time that we get to spend with them! We also have our god-daughter, Meliah, who makes me smile each and everytime I see her! The way that her eyes light up when she sees her Aunt Nita makes me melt! She will have me wrapped around her little finger forever! =) In addition, we enjoy hearing about all of the other kids in our lives and how much they grow and how proud their parents are of them! While it isn't always the easiest to listen about other kids, we said from the very beginning that we would never not want to see and hear about the kids in our lives and how much their parents love them! That doesn't go without saying that it hurts at times but it would hurt a lot worst if years down the road I didn't try to involve myself as much as possible with them! While I don't do it nearly enough as it is, I do the best that I can! And of course, there is EmJay, the biggest baby of them all but she is my baby! She went to the vet today, got all of her shots then we came home and snuggled! =) She has enjoyed the summer thus far as she is our new race track mascot. In past, we have left her home but took her to the first race of the year when I wasn't able to do much and realized that she is very good there and enjoys that more than us leaving her for the weekend. So she has officially become the mascot!

#6) Jay continues to live his passion for racing! While we haven't done nearly the racing that we usually do in the summer and he keeps saying "I don't enjoy it as much as I used to", I know better and it doesn't stop him from finding as many races as he can go to! While I know that I complain about it quite a bit, the pride that I feel when he is racing and how proud I am no matter how we finish, I couldn't imagine a summer without it (unless we were on the lake all summer with jet skis and/or at a golf course anywhere, then I could probably work on my imagination!) The few races that we have been to this year, he has done very well and as I mentioned, I am very proud of him!!

#7) My mom and dad decided to give up the Bedford Country Club and I couldn't be happier for them! We will have my mom back on holidays, family get-togethers and weekend visits that she doesn't have to work morning, noon and night and will be able to spend time with her family again!

In closing of the positive things in our lives, and probably the most important thing of all, is that we have each other! So many people reminded us that a tragedy in a family can either make or break your relationship. It can bring you closer together or it can rip you apart! We have made every effort possible to make sure that it didn't rip us apart. Was it always easy? No We had and still have our moments, our disagreements; but in the end we come through it together and remind each other that we need each other, we need to be each other's rocks and have to stand by one another! Jay is certainly my rock and I while I don't always agree with the way he handles things I have to trust that he does it for the right reasons and he is there for me whenever I need him to be.

Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. ~Charles F. Kettering