"Every time you get knocked down you get up stronger."

I find me asking myself if it is the most appropriate to continue this blog and continue updating it with a public view of my emotions as I am able to write about them. I am guessing that it's not and not as fitting to continue updating as it was before when I was able to share good news with people. But then I tell myself why not take the bad with the good and this seems to be the only outlet that I feel comfortable and able to use lately. So with that, I shall continue it as the only way that I know how to communicate my feelings without others feeling uncomfortable or not wanting to talk about or listen. However, don't be surprised if the blog becomes "un-public" to avoid any judgements or sadness to others as I use this as an outlet.
I once again started this post several days ago when I was really struggling and finding it very hard to make sense of any of the feelings that I was feeling or the thoughts that I was thinking; but once again, as I read over what I started all of those feelings still ring familiar to me and remain the same for me still today as they did last week.


I sit here trying to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts, to make sense of them all and have realized that it is a hopeless cause. Instead, try to make sense of the anger that I am feeling, the jealousy that I am feeling, the confusion about what I am feeling and why...and this, too, is hopeless.
I find myself dreading the days to come before they even get here; which is something that I said that I wouldn't do. That I would take one day at a time. Just the thought of the month of October makes me hurt all over again. Knowing of the things that I am supposed to be preparing for, knowing that I should be awaiting the day that I could tell Jay that it was time to go to the hospital and not anxiously awaiting the day that I could take another pregnancy test and have it be positive but then the excitment being overcome by the fear that it isn't going to last. Knowing that I should be planning a 10 week "vacation" to enjoy the homecoming of our daughter and instead planning a 5 day vacation to hurt from the loss of our daughter instead. Knowing that a co-worker is going get to bring home their baby over Christmas and I am going to take 3 days off prior to and wish that I could skip the whole holiday altogether.

The frustration and infuriation that I feel seems to be leaking into the rest of my life. I have so much anger and pessimism in me that it reflects in the way that I treat other people, my husband particularly. I get angry that he doesn't want to talk about my pain with me (or better said that I can't talk to him about it), I get angry that he is able to think and be so positive while I am negative and awful to him all of the time. That I can't get past my own pain and heartache to enjoy time and life with him. My jealousy reflects very much in how I feel after I hear someone just mention the word baby but then get to hear about the greatnesses of parenting and all of the accomplishments their kids have done. But at the same time I don't not want to hear about it. It's like a double-edge sword...that most of the time I feel like someone is sticking in my back everytime I hear them talking about their kid(s). I actually feel like, whenever just the word baby is mentioned, that they are taunting me...doing it on purpose as some sort of sick punishment (I know...the only one sick in that thought is ME). It seems to be worst the last few days that I just want to scream everytime a child is mentioned. It's ridiculous...I am well aware...but also not something that I can control and I don't indulge in that need to scream...so it's relatively harmless (to other's anyways).

It has taken me over a week to semi- put my feelings in writing and still they don't come out where I can feel they make sense...
I am looking forward to meeting with a lady that I was matched up with in the Parent-to-Parent Infant Loss Support Group during the first few weeks when I was trying to figure out what to do to help ease the pain. Initially she and I were emailing back and forth but I recently decided that I was ready to meet her in person. The support group doesn't have formal meetings but they are parents in the DSM area and the leader matches you up with someone that has dealt with similar heartaches that you have. She experienced her loss 4 years ago and I take comfort in knowing even after 4 years that she still feels the pain (however, my heart hurts for her and everyone else that has had to deal with anything that closely resembles this!!). While it's not as overwhelming for her as it once was I feel better that I am feeling this amount of pain 4 months later aside from what others expect me to feel and how they expect me to act. Another member was also matched up with me shortly after I joined who also lost a baby to Trisomy and I am hopefully going to be able to meet with her later this week/early next week as well. While I was apprehensive about the leader getting her in touch with me so soon afterwards when I was trying to figure out my own things let alone trying to help someone else; but I am grateful that she did and it's been a huge help in speaking with someone that is going through something very similar to my own situation. The only difference was that her child was Trisomy 18 while Angel was 13...all other scenarios and decisions were the same. I look forward to meeting with her as well.


"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." ---Isak Dinesen