Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ~Author Unknown
First, my accomplishment: I survived holiday #1 without any breakdowns or insensitive comments from anyone. There were really no comments in general from anyone but I would much rather deal with no comments at all then the insensitive comments; I can deal with the absence much better. In coping with few comments made, there was one that I was pleased with; my mom purchased some Angel necklaces with the June birthstone. She purchased one for each of us girls and said that “we should all wear them on Christmas so Angel can be with us”. My family doesn’t tend to show a lot of emotion about “these things” but it was very sweet of my mom! I used this time for a lot of reflection and looking at things that I have to be thankful for. It is so easy to get wrapped up in all of the negative in life that you forget to remember all of the good things in your life. I have some great kids in my life that, while I don’t see nearly enough, I absolutely love them to pieces! They all grow up so fast and I have missed out on “seeing” that, particularly in the last 6 months, but they all have a special place in my heart regardless. Ashleigh (almost 7), Colten (5 1/2), Alexander (4 1/2), Brady (2 1/2), Brylee (1 1/2), Meliah (almost 1), and Kale (9 months); I get to hear so many stories about them and while it’s not the interaction that I should have with them and would like to have with them, it’s nice to at least get to hear about their accomplishments, new-found interests, and personalities. I have so many other cousins and their kids that I don’t get to see nearly enough but also hold that place in my heart. There is certainly a new-found adoration for the children and for those that appreciate that they have them!
Since the clearance of the first holiday, I am wishing the speed of light of time to pass to get Christmas here and gone just as quickly. We are hosting Christmas for the in-laws at our house this year which is strangely comforting to me because #1) I have “my space” to retreat if necessary and #2) I am at home with Angel to spend the holiday “with” her the best way that I am able.
Second, my struggles: I notice myself being much more jealous and angry when it comes to others talking about their children. I feel like the biggest bratty kid because they get to talk about their kids, their pregnancies, their families and I don’t get to do that. In particular, my struggle this time, my co-workers baby shower for him and his wife is next Thursday. I was asked awhile back to “help” with the shower which did not settle well with me and I quickly turned it down. We later on got the invite for the event and the option to contribute money to the cause. Since the invite I have debated and debated about going to the shower and to make matters worse have made myself feel bad about the fact that I was questioning it. I convinced myself at one point that I needed to “suck it up” and just deal with it; after all, I will have to eventually. After talking this over with my therapist and continuing to fight the mind battle, I decided that I will not go to the shower. I let my boss know, who was extremely supportive of the fact. I also have Sabrina’s support which helps as well in the fact that I am going to skip it. I find myself stressed that I feel that I have to have that “support” to do what my heart is telling me to do, to do what I feel is the best thing for me instead of worrying about what someone else is going to feel or say or do. This in itself is frustrating because I know that I would be miserable the entire time during the shower, I would probably take about 25 steps back to what “should be” and the pain, there would be potential that I would ruin it for Julie and Ryan (or at least make it uncomfortable) but yet I convinced myself at one point that I should go, “suck it up”, pretend that everything is great. While I am happy for them I can’t help but feel jealous of them as well. Sabrina tells me “you can’t help what you feel. If you could they wouldn’t be called feelings” and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I also have to keep reminding myself that if I am feeling it, let myself feel it. Let myself go through the emotions and not avoid them, pretend that they don’t exist; which causes them to come up later on times 10!
Third, my Christmas wish?: While I know exactly what my REAL Christmas wish is, I know that it can’t come true. I wish that I could have my little girl with me during Christmas, I wish I was at home this month with her debating on what to get her for Christmas, I wish I was the one bragging about her new found accomplishments and getting ready to the go the kids’ holiday party like we had planned with Sabrina and Brylee, I wish.....
Instead, I have to come up with a feasible Christmas wish. I wish for peace in our family. I wish for the feelings of hurt and anger to be replaced by feelings of peace and happiness that our little girl is “okay”. No matter how much I assure myself that she is “okay” and in great hands; I still have the anger that I don’t get to be that person that gets to make her “okay”. You never in a million years, when discussing starting a family, imagine that it will bring such hardship. I see so many people that have no problems at all, have all the kids they want with no issues, have the family they want without thinking twice about it. I can’t help but wonder to myself whey do they deserve it and we don’t? I can’t help but ask myself over and over what I have done to deserve this? I can’t help but be jealous of those people and even more angry at those that “don’t mean to have kids” but still have several of them without even “wanting” them. Jay and I always said, we will wait, there is no hurry, and we have plenty of time. So many people told us that over and over again: “make sure you’re ready”, “it changes your life”, “it’s a lot of work”…if we had only known the journey that was ahead of us. My heart absolutely breaks thinking about all of those that have problems having the family that they so desperately want, some that never get to have that family – and then there are the ones that are deadbeat parents, parents that hardly have their kids, shipping them off to babysitters every chance they get, don’t take care of their children or all they do is complain about how “terrible” their kids are – I wish I could send a message out to “those” parents letting them know that there are some out there that would die to have that “terrible” kid opposed to what they have alternatively and to be damn grateful and appreciate what you have! But I have heard that when you are “given” something that you don’t appreciate it nearly as much as when you have to “work” for it……however, it doesn’t make it easier to accept.
“There are only three things you need to let go of: judging, controlling, and being right. Release these three and you have the whole mind and twinkly heart of a child.” ~Hugh Prather
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