Angel Girl: Not that you ever leave my mind completely, but I have thought about you even more so than usual the last couple of days and felt the need to write you my thoughts. It's hard to believe that it is approaching a year since we had to say good-bye to you. I find myself looking at your memory book, looking at your shelf of things in the office debating if I am ready to put away some of those things...sometimes I think that I am ready to do that, other times I am not ready to close that chapter yet. I will never forget you and not think about you just because the few things that I have of yours aren't displayed on your shelf; I know this. But I still cannot bring myself to pack them up and put them away. I never want to feel that I am disrespecting you or "forgetting" you but the last few weeks as it becomes more apparent that I am pregnant, I can't help but feel that. When people ask if this is our first child and I am quick to answer yes even though I know that you are my first. I want to say that I have an angel in heaven but don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable; which in turn makes me feel even worst about myself and the fact that I worry about other people's feelings than I do announcing that you are my little girl too. I am terrified of what is to come when your sister is born. I "know" that I am going to love her as much as I would have (and do) love you...but I still have that trepidation that I will resent her in some way because it's not you...I never want to do that to her. Again, I know deep inside that I will never do that and I know that she is your gift to us and that I will love her endlessly as well. I have to know that this is your way of telling me that it's going to be okay, just like you always made sure we understood...it just took us longer to figure it out. Even though I felt the need to cry some tears for you tonight, I smile at the thought of how happy, taken care of and spoiled you are with everyone that I know loves you as much as we do!
Last weekend was Mother's Day. I would have thought this would have been my first mother's day with you but instead it was my first mother's day without you. But I thought about you the whole day! And your daddy won a race and made sure to make it known that it was for his girls...all of them!
I will make sure that your sister knows all about you. We will celebrate you as we would if you could be on earth with us and know that you are always looking out for us, taking care of us. You're our little gift giver. It doesn't make me miss you any less, but the pain is less when I think about you and instead I feel the joy that I have you as my guardian angel until I get to see you again! I picture you and who you look like...Daddy's eyes? My hair? I love you Angel! I will always love you and I know that you understand the choice that I will make soon to "close" a chapter to "start" another chapter that you have granted us! I have to believe that you have a hand in this and will give me strength and encouragement to do so when I am ready!
All my love,
Mommy
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