The song and title pretty much says it all about the meaning to our family. A song that my sister used for her father-daughter dance at her wedding and has a different special meaning to Jay and me. Thanks for finding and showing it Mom.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"Every time you get knocked down you get up stronger."
I find me asking myself if it is the most appropriate to continue this blog and continue updating it with a public view of my emotions as I am able to write about them. I am guessing that it's not and not as fitting to continue updating as it was before when I was able to share good news with people. But then I tell myself why not take the bad with the good and this seems to be the only outlet that I feel comfortable and able to use lately. So with that, I shall continue it as the only way that I know how to communicate my feelings without others feeling uncomfortable or not wanting to talk about or listen. However, don't be surprised if the blog becomes "un-public" to avoid any judgements or sadness to others as I use this as an outlet.
I once again started this post several days ago when I was really struggling and finding it very hard to make sense of any of the feelings that I was feeling or the thoughts that I was thinking; but once again, as I read over what I started all of those feelings still ring familiar to me and remain the same for me still today as they did last week.
I sit here trying to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts, to make sense of them all and have realized that it is a hopeless cause. Instead, try to make sense of the anger that I am feeling, the jealousy that I am feeling, the confusion about what I am feeling and why...and this, too, is hopeless.
I find myself dreading the days to come before they even get here; which is something that I said that I wouldn't do. That I would take one day at a time. Just the thought of the month of October makes me hurt all over again. Knowing of the things that I am supposed to be preparing for, knowing that I should be awaiting the day that I could tell Jay that it was time to go to the hospital and not anxiously awaiting the day that I could take another pregnancy test and have it be positive but then the excitment being overcome by the fear that it isn't going to last. Knowing that I should be planning a 10 week "vacation" to enjoy the homecoming of our daughter and instead planning a 5 day vacation to hurt from the loss of our daughter instead. Knowing that a co-worker is going get to bring home their baby over Christmas and I am going to take 3 days off prior to and wish that I could skip the whole holiday altogether.
The frustration and infuriation that I feel seems to be leaking into the rest of my life. I have so much anger and pessimism in me that it reflects in the way that I treat other people, my husband particularly. I get angry that he doesn't want to talk about my pain with me (or better said that I can't talk to him about it), I get angry that he is able to think and be so positive while I am negative and awful to him all of the time. That I can't get past my own pain and heartache to enjoy time and life with him. My jealousy reflects very much in how I feel after I hear someone just mention the word baby but then get to hear about the greatnesses of parenting and all of the accomplishments their kids have done. But at the same time I don't not want to hear about it. It's like a double-edge sword...that most of the time I feel like someone is sticking in my back everytime I hear them talking about their kid(s). I actually feel like, whenever just the word baby is mentioned, that they are taunting me...doing it on purpose as some sort of sick punishment (I know...the only one sick in that thought is ME). It seems to be worst the last few days that I just want to scream everytime a child is mentioned. It's ridiculous...I am well aware...but also not something that I can control and I don't indulge in that need to scream...so it's relatively harmless (to other's anyways).
It has taken me over a week to semi- put my feelings in writing and still they don't come out where I can feel they make sense...
I am looking forward to meeting with a lady that I was matched up with in the Parent-to-Parent Infant Loss Support Group during the first few weeks when I was trying to figure out what to do to help ease the pain. Initially she and I were emailing back and forth but I recently decided that I was ready to meet her in person. The support group doesn't have formal meetings but they are parents in the DSM area and the leader matches you up with someone that has dealt with similar heartaches that you have. She experienced her loss 4 years ago and I take comfort in knowing even after 4 years that she still feels the pain (however, my heart hurts for her and everyone else that has had to deal with anything that closely resembles this!!). While it's not as overwhelming for her as it once was I feel better that I am feeling this amount of pain 4 months later aside from what others expect me to feel and how they expect me to act. Another member was also matched up with me shortly after I joined who also lost a baby to Trisomy and I am hopefully going to be able to meet with her later this week/early next week as well. While I was apprehensive about the leader getting her in touch with me so soon afterwards when I was trying to figure out my own things let alone trying to help someone else; but I am grateful that she did and it's been a huge help in speaking with someone that is going through something very similar to my own situation. The only difference was that her child was Trisomy 18 while Angel was 13...all other scenarios and decisions were the same. I look forward to meeting with her as well.
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." ---Isak Dinesen
I once again started this post several days ago when I was really struggling and finding it very hard to make sense of any of the feelings that I was feeling or the thoughts that I was thinking; but once again, as I read over what I started all of those feelings still ring familiar to me and remain the same for me still today as they did last week.
I sit here trying to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts, to make sense of them all and have realized that it is a hopeless cause. Instead, try to make sense of the anger that I am feeling, the jealousy that I am feeling, the confusion about what I am feeling and why...and this, too, is hopeless.
I find myself dreading the days to come before they even get here; which is something that I said that I wouldn't do. That I would take one day at a time. Just the thought of the month of October makes me hurt all over again. Knowing of the things that I am supposed to be preparing for, knowing that I should be awaiting the day that I could tell Jay that it was time to go to the hospital and not anxiously awaiting the day that I could take another pregnancy test and have it be positive but then the excitment being overcome by the fear that it isn't going to last. Knowing that I should be planning a 10 week "vacation" to enjoy the homecoming of our daughter and instead planning a 5 day vacation to hurt from the loss of our daughter instead. Knowing that a co-worker is going get to bring home their baby over Christmas and I am going to take 3 days off prior to and wish that I could skip the whole holiday altogether.
The frustration and infuriation that I feel seems to be leaking into the rest of my life. I have so much anger and pessimism in me that it reflects in the way that I treat other people, my husband particularly. I get angry that he doesn't want to talk about my pain with me (or better said that I can't talk to him about it), I get angry that he is able to think and be so positive while I am negative and awful to him all of the time. That I can't get past my own pain and heartache to enjoy time and life with him. My jealousy reflects very much in how I feel after I hear someone just mention the word baby but then get to hear about the greatnesses of parenting and all of the accomplishments their kids have done. But at the same time I don't not want to hear about it. It's like a double-edge sword...that most of the time I feel like someone is sticking in my back everytime I hear them talking about their kid(s). I actually feel like, whenever just the word baby is mentioned, that they are taunting me...doing it on purpose as some sort of sick punishment (I know...the only one sick in that thought is ME). It seems to be worst the last few days that I just want to scream everytime a child is mentioned. It's ridiculous...I am well aware...but also not something that I can control and I don't indulge in that need to scream...so it's relatively harmless (to other's anyways).
It has taken me over a week to semi- put my feelings in writing and still they don't come out where I can feel they make sense...
I am looking forward to meeting with a lady that I was matched up with in the Parent-to-Parent Infant Loss Support Group during the first few weeks when I was trying to figure out what to do to help ease the pain. Initially she and I were emailing back and forth but I recently decided that I was ready to meet her in person. The support group doesn't have formal meetings but they are parents in the DSM area and the leader matches you up with someone that has dealt with similar heartaches that you have. She experienced her loss 4 years ago and I take comfort in knowing even after 4 years that she still feels the pain (however, my heart hurts for her and everyone else that has had to deal with anything that closely resembles this!!). While it's not as overwhelming for her as it once was I feel better that I am feeling this amount of pain 4 months later aside from what others expect me to feel and how they expect me to act. Another member was also matched up with me shortly after I joined who also lost a baby to Trisomy and I am hopefully going to be able to meet with her later this week/early next week as well. While I was apprehensive about the leader getting her in touch with me so soon afterwards when I was trying to figure out my own things let alone trying to help someone else; but I am grateful that she did and it's been a huge help in speaking with someone that is going through something very similar to my own situation. The only difference was that her child was Trisomy 18 while Angel was 13...all other scenarios and decisions were the same. I look forward to meeting with her as well.
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." ---Isak Dinesen
Monday, September 13, 2010
Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday" ~Author Unknown
Here I sit, an
other month gone by and continue to find myself with more strength and determination than I had the month before. That doesn't go without saying that I still have my moments that I just want to scream, cry, yell, ask "WHY"? But moments are all they are and I continue on, pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on with as much positivity that I can muster. This also doesn't go without saying that I have my days in the near future that I am dreading...the whole month of October for example. Knowing that I should nearing the end of my pregnancy, training my co-workers to do my duties at my desk preparing for 10 weeks off of work. The closer October gets the bigger the hole feels knowing that the 10 weeks off is not going to happen...at least not now! I had a moment when I returned to bowling league knowing that I should be "huge" and "uncomfortable" and that I should have been only there for a few weeks then have to find a sub for me because I was at home with our child. In reference to huge, my sister's wedding will be a bittersweet day in my happiness for her wedding day but knowing how I was to look in the dress that she picked out for me. I was supposed to look hideous and I would give anything now to look like I was supposed to look! I continue to wish for a fast forward button to skip over all of the holiday season...just for this year...knowing that it should be Angel's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...but now would give anything to skip right past to the New Year's and put this whole year behind me. The time couldn't come soon enough that I can say good-bye to 2010!!
Here I sit, an
other month gone by and continue to find myself with more strength and determination than I had the month before. That doesn't go without saying that I still have my moments that I just want to scream, cry, yell, ask "WHY"? But moments are all they are and I continue on, pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on with as much positivity that I can muster. This also doesn't go without saying that I have my days in the near future that I am dreading...the whole month of October for example. Knowing that I should nearing the end of my pregnancy, training my co-workers to do my duties at my desk preparing for 10 weeks off of work. The closer October gets the bigger the hole feels knowing that the 10 weeks off is not going to happen...at least not now! I had a moment when I returned to bowling league knowing that I should be "huge" and "uncomfortable" and that I should have been only there for a few weeks then have to find a sub for me because I was at home with our child. In reference to huge, my sister's wedding will be a bittersweet day in my happiness for her wedding day but knowing how I was to look in the dress that she picked out for me. I was supposed to look hideous and I would give anything now to look like I was supposed to look! I continue to wish for a fast forward button to skip over all of the holiday season...just for this year...knowing that it should be Angel's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...but now would give anything to skip right past to the New Year's and put this whole year behind me. The time couldn't come soon enough that I can say good-bye to 2010!!However, with all of that said, I told myself that I would put positive things in this post and I am determined to do that for the first time in 15 weeks. =)
#1) My little sister is getting married this weekend!! It seems like she just got engaged but the time is finally here and I am excited to stand up next to her as her maid of honor!
#2) Along with my sisters wedding, I get to see all of our family that I don't get to see nearly enough!! I am looking forward to spending time with them all!
#3) Jay turned 30 on August 24th. My friend, Katie, and I threw him and
her husband, Matt, a surprise 30th birthday party and it was a great success! A short version of the story with Matt was that their son, Kale, was born on February 6th and Matt's 30th birthday was on the 7th so she wasn't able to do much for him so we combined the two and it was a lot of fun! A lot of friends and family were able to make it and we had a great time!
her husband, Matt, a surprise 30th birthday party and it was a great success! A short version of the story with Matt was that their son, Kale, was born on February 6th and Matt's 30th birthday was on the 7th so she wasn't able to do much for him so we combined the two and it was a lot of fun! A lot of friends and family were able to make it and we had a great time! 
#4) My dad turned the big 5-0 this year! We also had a get together for him, what was supposed to be a surprise of course didn't end up being one and he ended up finding out as always, but it was a good time (for the most part) and good to see friends and family show up for his 50th birthday party!
#5) Our "kids" are all growing up so very fast! Ashleigh (6 1/2) started the first grade this year, Colten (5) started Kindergarten, Alexander (4) started school and Brayden (2) continues to grow and develop everytime I see him!! We enjoy all the time that we get to spend with them! We also have our god-daughter, Meliah, who makes me smile each and everytime I see her! The way that her eyes light up when she sees her Aunt Nita makes me melt! She will have me wrapped around her little finger forever! =) In addition, we enjoy hearing about all of the other kids in our lives and how much they grow and how proud their parents are of them! While it isn't always the easiest to listen about other kids, we said from the very beginning that we would never not want to see and hear about the kids in our lives and how much their parents love them! That doesn't go without saying that it hurts at times but it would hurt a lot worst if years d
own the road I didn't try to involve myself as much as possible with them! While I don't do it nearly enough as it is, I do the best that I can! And of course, there is EmJay, the biggest baby of them all but she is my baby! She went to the vet today, got all of her shots then we came home and snuggled! =) She has enjoyed the summer thus far as she is our new race track mascot. In past, we have left her home but took her to the first race of the year when I wasn't able to do much and realized that she is very good there and enjoys that more than us leaving her for the weekend. So she has officially become the mascot!
own the road I didn't try to involve myself as much as possible with them! While I don't do it nearly enough as it is, I do the best that I can! And of course, there is EmJay, the biggest baby of them all but she is my baby! She went to the vet today, got all of her shots then we came home and snuggled! =) She has enjoyed the summer thus far as she is our new race track mascot. In past, we have left her home but took her to the first race of the year when I wasn't able to do much and realized that she is very good there and enjoys that more than us leaving her for the weekend. So she has officially become the mascot!#6) Jay continues to live his passion for racing! While we haven't done nearly the
racing that we usually do in the summer and he keeps saying "I don't enjoy it as much as I used to", I know better and it doesn't stop him from finding as many races as he can go to! While I know that I complain about it quite a bit, the pride that I feel when he is racing and how proud I am no matter how we finish, I couldn't imagine a summer without it (unless we were on the lake all summer with jet skis and/or at a golf course anywhere, then I could probably work on my imagination!) The few races that we have been to this year, he has done very well and as I mentioned, I am very proud of him!!
racing that we usually do in the summer and he keeps saying "I don't enjoy it as much as I used to", I know better and it doesn't stop him from finding as many races as he can go to! While I know that I complain about it quite a bit, the pride that I feel when he is racing and how proud I am no matter how we finish, I couldn't imagine a summer without it (unless we were on the lake all summer with jet skis and/or at a golf course anywhere, then I could probably work on my imagination!) The few races that we have been to this year, he has done very well and as I mentioned, I am very proud of him!!#7) My mom and dad decided to give up the Bedford Country Club and I couldn't be happier for them! We will have my mom back on holidays, family get-togethers and weekend visits that she doesn't have to work morning, noon and night and will be able to spend time with her family again!
In closing of the positive things in our lives, and probably the most important thing of all, is that we have each other! So many people reminded us that a tragedy in a family can .JPG)
either make or break your relationship. It can bring you closer together or it can rip you apart! We have made every effort possible to make sure that it didn't rip us apart. Was it always easy? No We had and still have our moments, our disagreements; but in the end we come through it together and remind each other that we need each other, we need to be each other's rocks and have to stand by one another! Jay is certainly my rock and I while I don't always agree with the way he handles things I have to trust that he does it for the right reasons and he is there for me whenever I need him to be.
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either make or break your relationship. It can bring you closer together or it can rip you apart! We have made every effort possible to make sure that it didn't rip us apart. Was it always easy? No We had and still have our moments, our disagreements; but in the end we come through it together and remind each other that we need each other, we need to be each other's rocks and have to stand by one another! Jay is certainly my rock and I while I don't always agree with the way he handles things I have to trust that he does it for the right reasons and he is there for me whenever I need him to be.Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. ~Charles F. Kettering
Monday, August 16, 2010
People Come Into Your Life for A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.
My sister-in-law, Jenny, shared this forward with me and I have found it very comforting to refer back to on my tougher days:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
GUARDIAN ANGEL
GUARDIAN ANGEL
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do.
It has been a few weeks since my last post which goes to prove to myself that I can see improvement in my need to have an emotional outlet less often. I find myself more able to get past my setbacks and continue on with my day. I still have my triggers, still have my times of feeling the emptiness and sadness, but I find that those times don't last as long as they used to and I can get past them and suppose have become more tolerable of them.
However, the frustrations continue about other people's ways of dealing with things and comparing them with my own, and I try to determine who I should be hard on...me or them? I try to remind myself that everyone handles everything differently, everyone deals with things differently. It's so hard for me not to want to scream "don't you know what today is!!" like it's some big national event/holiday that everyone should remember. I am sure with time this will pass, the 16th of every month will not feel like a day to remind me of the hurt and more like another day that passes in a month. And won't feel like a day that everyone else forgets and possibly a day that someday I can get through without feeling as bad as I do today. A friend of mine told me today, just like there is a 16th to every month there is a Wednesday to every week...I have been able to go by the last few Wednesdays without crying because of the day...and sometime soon I will be able to get past the 16th of the month in the same fashion. Right now, I can't do that and I tell myself that this is okay and this how I feel and I can't control my feelings! I consider myself very fortunate to have some instances that I don't have to worry about who is feeling what and when, I can act like myself and show whatever emotion I need to feel at that point without any judgement. The next 16th of the month may pass better than this one and there are still plenty of days that I dread whole-heartedly...The Holidays, October 30th (really the whole month of October relinquishes terrible empty feelings for me), June 16th next year...the thought of these days makes my heart hurt all over again but I know that I will get through them and survive them just as I have the last 75 days.
It is hard to believe that it has been two months today. Two months already since the day that we had to say good-bye to our little girl only shortly after we said hello to her. But those that told me that I wouldn't forget, they were right. Even though I don't cry for hours every day for Angel, and short moments do pass that I don't think about her, and everything about Angel doesn't consume my thoughts and functioning each day...she is always in the back of my mind and front of my heart all of the time. Just because I do not show those feelings all of the time as I once did primarily because society does expect one to return to "normalcy" at some point, I miss her like crazy, I love her to pieces and while I my Tuesday nights by myself no longer consist of crying as they once did while Jay was at golf league, I am working on returning to everyday life to meet back up with everyone else that has been able to do the same and also to honor my little girl and show her that Mommy is strong and will do it for her!
However, the frustrations continue about other people's ways of dealing with things and comparing them with my own, and I try to determine who I should be hard on...me or them? I try to remind myself that everyone handles everything differently, everyone deals with things differently. It's so hard for me not to want to scream "don't you know what today is!!" like it's some big national event/holiday that everyone should remember. I am sure with time this will pass, the 16th of every month will not feel like a day to remind me of the hurt and more like another day that passes in a month. And won't feel like a day that everyone else forgets and possibly a day that someday I can get through without feeling as bad as I do today. A friend of mine told me today, just like there is a 16th to every month there is a Wednesday to every week...I have been able to go by the last few Wednesdays without crying because of the day...and sometime soon I will be able to get past the 16th of the month in the same fashion. Right now, I can't do that and I tell myself that this is okay and this how I feel and I can't control my feelings! I consider myself very fortunate to have some instances that I don't have to worry about who is feeling what and when, I can act like myself and show whatever emotion I need to feel at that point without any judgement. The next 16th of the month may pass better than this one and there are still plenty of days that I dread whole-heartedly...The Holidays, October 30th (really the whole month of October relinquishes terrible empty feelings for me), June 16th next year...the thought of these days makes my heart hurt all over again but I know that I will get through them and survive them just as I have the last 75 days.
It is hard to believe that it has been two months today. Two months already since the day that we had to say good-bye to our little girl only shortly after we said hello to her. But those that told me that I wouldn't forget, they were right. Even though I don't cry for hours every day for Angel, and short moments do pass that I don't think about her, and everything about Angel doesn't consume my thoughts and functioning each day...she is always in the back of my mind and front of my heart all of the time. Just because I do not show those feelings all of the time as I once did primarily because society does expect one to return to "normalcy" at some point, I miss her like crazy, I love her to pieces and while I my Tuesday nights by myself no longer consist of crying as they once did while Jay was at golf league, I am working on returning to everyday life to meet back up with everyone else that has been able to do the same and also to honor my little girl and show her that Mommy is strong and will do it for her!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. --Tori Amos
I started writing this post last Tuesday (20th) and have never posted it but after reading through it and realizing that many of my "feelings" have similiarities today, I will leave them and adjust accordingly. Last Tuesday proved to be ranked in the top 5 (maybe top 3) of worst days so far with a complete meltdown and hours of tears.
My confusion continues, the emotional hurt and pain is still there, the next course to take remains unknown and the world continues to move. I have wished so many times that the world would just stop for me, that everything would just stop until I was ready for it to start again.
They have the handbooks for dummies on every subject in the world accept for this process of grieving and wish I hadn't been naive enough to think it was going to simply ease after only a month. So many people have said to me "you aren't supposed to be any way", "it's different for everyone", "take your time". It was pointed out to me that another struggle that I am having is that I am trying to be how I think I am "supposed" to be. I am putting myself on this timeline that I should be at this point now, this point in 2 weeks, here in 4. I am anticipating that timeline that I expect the rest of the world to put me on so I am trying to be preemptive on it, I suppose. And I try and try not to be so hard on myself, to give myself the luxury of time, to allow myself to have ups and downs that are exhausting and tell myself over and over again that you can't control your feelings. But then I am faced with the fact that everyone else is moving forward but I feel as though I am stuck in my own pity and sorrow. Why doesn't anyone else need the time that I do, why are they able to go back to normal and I am still crying every other day, why can't I move forward? ...because I wasn't supposed to have to figure out how to live life without Angel, because she is supposed to be part of everything else that I did for the rest of my life. As of March 1st when we found out about our blessing we weren't supposed to have to prepare for anything other than how to change our lives to accommodate our baby living her life with us!
As for post-last-Tuesday, the 20th, and following-up with this Tuesday: I had a "good" rest of the week after that break down, spent a great weekend with my husband, but then woke up on Monday morning with that familiar empty feeling. That lump in my throat, the emptiness in my stomach and pain in my heart that has become all too familiar. And of course comes the frustration that I have fallen again and the confusion that comes with it because I don't know why. I KNOW that Angel is okay now, I KNOW that she is very much loved by her family in the sky, I KNOW that she has no pain and no worries and is being taken care of by the best people ever and I turn to convince myself to feel selfish because I want to be that person to make her feel that love no matter how great those hands are that are loving and caring for her which in turn makes me feel angry for feeling that way. It is one big vicious circle and one very big, uncontrollable and overwhelming emotional rollercoaster...I hate rollercoasters as a kid, I hate them now as an adult and this one is no different!
Finally, I have decided to proceed in searching for additional support. While it is necessary for me to use whatever means I can to make sense of as much as I can, I also find myself being out of character and my emotions and reactions being out of control in comparison to how "I used to be". Most importantly I find myself reacting in bad ways to those that I love the most. While I've been told I do that sub-consciously because I know that they will forgive me, I fear that one time I will do it and they won't forgive me and I can't risk losing something else that means so much to me. It isn't like me to react personally to those that I love and while I know that I am not the same person that I used to be I will not be that person either.
I continue to look for those magic words, that magic pill, the magic cure for "grieving pain" and still haven't found it. But I do have to give myself credit, as a great friend has told me, that those good days that I have had aren't a bad thing. It goes to prove that this won't last forever. It is going to get better and I have to give myself credit and allow myself to go through the motions to get through this. Without those encouraging words, I might begin to think that I am going to be in pain forever...
My confusion continues, the emotional hurt and pain is still there, the next course to take remains unknown and the world continues to move. I have wished so many times that the world would just stop for me, that everything would just stop until I was ready for it to start again.
They have the handbooks for dummies on every subject in the world accept for this process of grieving and wish I hadn't been naive enough to think it was going to simply ease after only a month. So many people have said to me "you aren't supposed to be any way", "it's different for everyone", "take your time". It was pointed out to me that another struggle that I am having is that I am trying to be how I think I am "supposed" to be. I am putting myself on this timeline that I should be at this point now, this point in 2 weeks, here in 4. I am anticipating that timeline that I expect the rest of the world to put me on so I am trying to be preemptive on it, I suppose. And I try and try not to be so hard on myself, to give myself the luxury of time, to allow myself to have ups and downs that are exhausting and tell myself over and over again that you can't control your feelings. But then I am faced with the fact that everyone else is moving forward but I feel as though I am stuck in my own pity and sorrow. Why doesn't anyone else need the time that I do, why are they able to go back to normal and I am still crying every other day, why can't I move forward? ...because I wasn't supposed to have to figure out how to live life without Angel, because she is supposed to be part of everything else that I did for the rest of my life. As of March 1st when we found out about our blessing we weren't supposed to have to prepare for anything other than how to change our lives to accommodate our baby living her life with us!
As for post-last-Tuesday, the 20th, and following-up with this Tuesday: I had a "good" rest of the week after that break down, spent a great weekend with my husband, but then woke up on Monday morning with that familiar empty feeling. That lump in my throat, the emptiness in my stomach and pain in my heart that has become all too familiar. And of course comes the frustration that I have fallen again and the confusion that comes with it because I don't know why. I KNOW that Angel is okay now, I KNOW that she is very much loved by her family in the sky, I KNOW that she has no pain and no worries and is being taken care of by the best people ever and I turn to convince myself to feel selfish because I want to be that person to make her feel that love no matter how great those hands are that are loving and caring for her which in turn makes me feel angry for feeling that way. It is one big vicious circle and one very big, uncontrollable and overwhelming emotional rollercoaster...I hate rollercoasters as a kid, I hate them now as an adult and this one is no different!
Finally, I have decided to proceed in searching for additional support. While it is necessary for me to use whatever means I can to make sense of as much as I can, I also find myself being out of character and my emotions and reactions being out of control in comparison to how "I used to be". Most importantly I find myself reacting in bad ways to those that I love the most. While I've been told I do that sub-consciously because I know that they will forgive me, I fear that one time I will do it and they won't forgive me and I can't risk losing something else that means so much to me. It isn't like me to react personally to those that I love and while I know that I am not the same person that I used to be I will not be that person either.
I continue to look for those magic words, that magic pill, the magic cure for "grieving pain" and still haven't found it. But I do have to give myself credit, as a great friend has told me, that those good days that I have had aren't a bad thing. It goes to prove that this won't last forever. It is going to get better and I have to give myself credit and allow myself to go through the motions to get through this. Without those encouraging words, I might begin to think that I am going to be in pain forever...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Frustrations and Discouragements
Well my first day back to work was less than successful for me :( I did go in and stayed until noon then went home after lunch feeling extremely frustrated and discouraged with myself for not being stronger and more able to focus and concentrate on my work, which made me even more angry at myself that I felt that way and not giving myself the benefit of time to get back into the swing of things. I hate that I am so hard on myself and don't allow myself the "flexibility" and tell myself that it is okay to not be 100% all of the time.
The rollercoaster is equally as exhausting as I try to digest and comprehend all of the information that I want to find about the translocation and our process for the future. There is so much stuff when you search for the syndrome (as much as anything else that you search for) and I still don't feel like I am educated enough but it really comes down to the fact that I don't have control over anything that happens from here as far as starting our family goes and I think that is what is most exhausting. There are so many unknowns and potential outcomes that I have no control over and no way of knowing what's next. Anyone that knows anything about me knows that when I don't have control over something that in itself ruins me in a sense.
We received the summary from our meeting with the genetics counselor and in an effort to share with anyone that is interested will post some of the high points from that meeting to help anyone that wants to be informed do just that without going through a lot of data that I have decided even the doctors don't understand. Angel had a translocation trisomy 13, an extra chromosome 13 as well as an extra chromosome 13 attached to her chromosome 14. During the last week before we had Angel, both Jay and I were tested for chromosome issues to determine if it was a "fluke" or hereditary and as I have mentioned I was notified that I have a balanced form of the translocation, meaning that one copy of my 13 and 14 chromosomes are stuck together (we all have two sets of each, one from each parent, for those that paid as little attention in biology as I did). Carrying this translocation places me at increased risk to conceive with the unbalanced translocation; while most of these pregnancies end in miscarriages, some (less than 1%...I have also come to HATE statistics!!) survive to 15 weeks gestation or longer (like our case...). It is "generally accepted that the chance to have another pregnancy that would survive beyond the 15 weeks is less than 1%" (again with the statistics...) and the risk at conception is higher resulting in an increase risk for miscarriage.
That, in a nutshell, is what information they were able to provide us with and that in itself is a lot to digest. But with all of the other information I am trying to process the best information (and most encouraging) is from the other members of the support group(s) that I have joined online. There are a couple that I have read on that have success stories and I try to find comfort and reassurance that we can and will have our family. It will not be an easy road, there will be other road blocks and I continue to try to gain strength and determination that I can do this, no matter what the costs or blocks that we are faced with. The doctors, from what I have heard and come to understand myself, don't know much about the translocations. There were a couple (different translocations of chromosomes) and they were told that they would never be able to have children and they have defeated those odds. I intend to do the same thing...I intend to get that strength and determination that so many of the other members of the groups have been able to do.
The rollercoaster is equally as exhausting as I try to digest and comprehend all of the information that I want to find about the translocation and our process for the future. There is so much stuff when you search for the syndrome (as much as anything else that you search for) and I still don't feel like I am educated enough but it really comes down to the fact that I don't have control over anything that happens from here as far as starting our family goes and I think that is what is most exhausting. There are so many unknowns and potential outcomes that I have no control over and no way of knowing what's next. Anyone that knows anything about me knows that when I don't have control over something that in itself ruins me in a sense.
We received the summary from our meeting with the genetics counselor and in an effort to share with anyone that is interested will post some of the high points from that meeting to help anyone that wants to be informed do just that without going through a lot of data that I have decided even the doctors don't understand. Angel had a translocation trisomy 13, an extra chromosome 13 as well as an extra chromosome 13 attached to her chromosome 14. During the last week before we had Angel, both Jay and I were tested for chromosome issues to determine if it was a "fluke" or hereditary and as I have mentioned I was notified that I have a balanced form of the translocation, meaning that one copy of my 13 and 14 chromosomes are stuck together (we all have two sets of each, one from each parent, for those that paid as little attention in biology as I did). Carrying this translocation places me at increased risk to conceive with the unbalanced translocation; while most of these pregnancies end in miscarriages, some (less than 1%...I have also come to HATE statistics!!) survive to 15 weeks gestation or longer (like our case...). It is "generally accepted that the chance to have another pregnancy that would survive beyond the 15 weeks is less than 1%" (again with the statistics...) and the risk at conception is higher resulting in an increase risk for miscarriage.
That, in a nutshell, is what information they were able to provide us with and that in itself is a lot to digest. But with all of the other information I am trying to process the best information (and most encouraging) is from the other members of the support group(s) that I have joined online. There are a couple that I have read on that have success stories and I try to find comfort and reassurance that we can and will have our family. It will not be an easy road, there will be other road blocks and I continue to try to gain strength and determination that I can do this, no matter what the costs or blocks that we are faced with. The doctors, from what I have heard and come to understand myself, don't know much about the translocations. There were a couple (different translocations of chromosomes) and they were told that they would never be able to have children and they have defeated those odds. I intend to do the same thing...I intend to get that strength and determination that so many of the other members of the groups have been able to do.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Dedicated to Angel from Daddy - "Angel Friend"
(Please pay no attention to the inappropriate graphic) but this song means a lot to Jay and he has dedicated it to his daughter and thinks of her everytime he hears it (and he listens to it often!)
Daddy loves you Angel!! (as does Mommy!!)
Dedicated to Angel from Grandma and Grandpa Lint
In loving memory of our little baby granddaughter....Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern. Will love you always...but know you are well taken care of.
God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me". With tearful eyes i watched you, & saw you pass away. Although i loved you dearly, i couldnt make youstay. A golden heart stopped beating, hardworking hands at rest, God ...broke my heart to prove to me, he only ...takes the best. ...
Days are about 3:1
I take comfort in my good days beginning to outweigh my bad days...they are about 3 to 1 lately. I just might get through this! While I would like to say there weren't any doubts, if I did say that I would be lying. I was wondering if I would make it through with my sanity intact.
I continue to struggle with my ability to talk about my feelings and really hardly understand those feelings myself. I can go from good to bad faster than even I know how to deal with...let alone anyone that is around me...in particular, my husband. He does seem to keep up pretty well for the time being :) but I pity him for not knowing what he is going to deal with from one minute to the next. But then again, neither do I so I guess I can't pity him too much without pitying myself. I have never been one that is good at talking about my feelings...at least out loud...so I guess I have to be thankful for being able to write them down better than I am able to talk about them. At least then I write them down and I don't feel so incredibly stupid and no one can see if I am having a total melt down, yelling and screaming or crying my fool head off.
I have made the decision to return back to work next week. Not so much to get back in the swing of things like I have so many times been told lately but because I realized that the world does not stop (no matter how much I would like it to) and sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't doing me any good either. I take a lot of comfort returning to work knowing that I have an amazing support system there as well. It will not be easy I am sure but I do have to continue with life and continue with the world no matter how much I dread it at times.
I have also taken a couple more steps in finding support and working to understand the terms that we have been dealt in the last few weeks. I joined a support group on Yahoo that has individuals dealing with the balanced translocations that was I diagnosed with as well as a couple of facebook pages. I also plan to join a support group at the hospital but that will come later on when Jay is ready to attend with me. While I know that I will never fully understand, like everyone else that I have spoken to, everything that is associated with Robertsonian Translocation, I am one that wants all the information I can get. There are so many unknowns and unforeseen things that comes along with this since Jay and I are still "child bearing". The translocation doesn't affect anything in life until the reproduction stages and those unknowns are the biggest fears of mine right now. There are people that go through numbers of miscarriages and some even infertility. The "controlled" life that I used to have and the fact that I knew when and where...well, that is something that I have to give up on now. But we are determined people, we are too damn stubborn to let this drag us down and take away our desires to have a family, and we want our family more than anything right now to have this detour stop us. Doesn't make it hurt any less, doesn't make me dread going into Target and passing by the one of what seems like hundreds of pregnant people or the aisles of kids toys and baby items that I should be buying right now, it doesn't make the anger that it should be me buying those things go away and it doesn't make my heart heal any faster, and it doesn't make me any less terrified about the road on that journey...but I am determined to get past this and my daughter would kick me in the ass if I thought any other way (as Jay continues to remind me on my bad days).
Three weeks ago today we said hello and good-bye and continue to miss Angel painfully and continuously. But we stick together and support one another (more so Jay supporting me than otherwise...). We continue to get stronger each day and find reasons to believe that we will make it through this and there will be some reason to this hell that we may never know or understand. We also continue to thank our support systems; our family and friends that have helped us through all of this. You certainly figure out who is true and who isn't and more than anything know not to take anything for granted!
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
I continue to struggle with my ability to talk about my feelings and really hardly understand those feelings myself. I can go from good to bad faster than even I know how to deal with...let alone anyone that is around me...in particular, my husband. He does seem to keep up pretty well for the time being :) but I pity him for not knowing what he is going to deal with from one minute to the next. But then again, neither do I so I guess I can't pity him too much without pitying myself. I have never been one that is good at talking about my feelings...at least out loud...so I guess I have to be thankful for being able to write them down better than I am able to talk about them. At least then I write them down and I don't feel so incredibly stupid and no one can see if I am having a total melt down, yelling and screaming or crying my fool head off.
I have made the decision to return back to work next week. Not so much to get back in the swing of things like I have so many times been told lately but because I realized that the world does not stop (no matter how much I would like it to) and sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't doing me any good either. I take a lot of comfort returning to work knowing that I have an amazing support system there as well. It will not be easy I am sure but I do have to continue with life and continue with the world no matter how much I dread it at times.
I have also taken a couple more steps in finding support and working to understand the terms that we have been dealt in the last few weeks. I joined a support group on Yahoo that has individuals dealing with the balanced translocations that was I diagnosed with as well as a couple of facebook pages. I also plan to join a support group at the hospital but that will come later on when Jay is ready to attend with me. While I know that I will never fully understand, like everyone else that I have spoken to, everything that is associated with Robertsonian Translocation, I am one that wants all the information I can get. There are so many unknowns and unforeseen things that comes along with this since Jay and I are still "child bearing". The translocation doesn't affect anything in life until the reproduction stages and those unknowns are the biggest fears of mine right now. There are people that go through numbers of miscarriages and some even infertility. The "controlled" life that I used to have and the fact that I knew when and where...well, that is something that I have to give up on now. But we are determined people, we are too damn stubborn to let this drag us down and take away our desires to have a family, and we want our family more than anything right now to have this detour stop us. Doesn't make it hurt any less, doesn't make me dread going into Target and passing by the one of what seems like hundreds of pregnant people or the aisles of kids toys and baby items that I should be buying right now, it doesn't make the anger that it should be me buying those things go away and it doesn't make my heart heal any faster, and it doesn't make me any less terrified about the road on that journey...but I am determined to get past this and my daughter would kick me in the ass if I thought any other way (as Jay continues to remind me on my bad days).
Three weeks ago today we said hello and good-bye and continue to miss Angel painfully and continuously. But we stick together and support one another (more so Jay supporting me than otherwise...). We continue to get stronger each day and find reasons to believe that we will make it through this and there will be some reason to this hell that we may never know or understand. We also continue to thank our support systems; our family and friends that have helped us through all of this. You certainly figure out who is true and who isn't and more than anything know not to take anything for granted!
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Two Weeks seems like Two Seconds
It is hard to believe that two weeks ago we had to say good bye to our precious Angel. Two weeks ago that seems like only Two Seconds at times was the hardest day of my life but at the same time the best day of my life. I know that is hard to believe to many...especially those that have never had to go through something like this...but I have, in the past two weeks and really just came to terms with it myself in the last day or so, come to terms that while it is unfair, horribly sad, completely confusing and horrifying, that I was given the chance to hold my little girl. To see her beautiful face, her adorable ten fingers and ten toes, to kiss her and hug her and tell her goodbye and that I love her with all that I have. So many do not get that opportunity and my heart aches for them!! My heart is aching, I am sad beyond belief and confused as hell...but the fact that I got to hold my little girl and tell her that Mommy and Daddy really love her and are (unnecessarily) sorry that we couldn't help her...that is a true blessing!
I got to talk to someone today that I consider a friend via facebook...she told me that the only thing that will get someone through a time like this is Faith...I believe that through and through. I wasn't raised with religious background...I believe in God, I have always believed in God and done whatever I could and knew how to do to practice that...but church and praying was not something that I was taught how to do (if there is a "proper" way of doing so) and not something that I have ever been comfortable doing. In the past 4 weeks, I am practicing those ways. I am "speaking" to Him and hoping along the way I will do it the proper way, He will forgive me for not knowing and not practicing it often but that he will listen to me now and get me through this time as I have confidence that he will.
In addition to Him and my practices in the last few weeks, I cannot say thank you enough to all of my friends and family that has been there for us. All of the thoughts and prayers and love and support that we have received in the past few weeks in addition to the love that we have for each other, Jay and I wouldn't have gotten this far without it all.
Two weeks ago we had to say hello and goodbye in only a matter of minutes and even 14 days later the pain is as fresh as ever. Just when I think that I might be feeling a little better or might have a chance at getting through this and take whatever step is "supposed" to be next, I fall off again...BUT there is always someone there to pick me up, put me back on my feet to take the first step all over again. It doesn't help that I am way to hard on myself (as many know already) and that I expect too much of myself...that I expect to be back to "normal" and good as new. I set myself up for disappointment in those expectations because I am not even sure what "normal" is anymore let alone be able to feel it. But I do know that I am a determined, hard headed stubborn person just like my daughter was and I will be okay again...I will do what I need to do to be strong again...and I will never, ever be able to send enough thanks and gratitude to those that have been there to pick me up and put me back on my feet when I needed them!
Two seconds, Two minutes, Two Days, Two Weeks, Two Months, Two Years....nothing will replace with few hours that I got to hold my little girl and nothing will replace the love that I will have for her forever and ever! I love you Angel! Mommy and Daddy will always love you, remember you and you will never be replaced in our hearts! Forever and Ever!!
I got to talk to someone today that I consider a friend via facebook...she told me that the only thing that will get someone through a time like this is Faith...I believe that through and through. I wasn't raised with religious background...I believe in God, I have always believed in God and done whatever I could and knew how to do to practice that...but church and praying was not something that I was taught how to do (if there is a "proper" way of doing so) and not something that I have ever been comfortable doing. In the past 4 weeks, I am practicing those ways. I am "speaking" to Him and hoping along the way I will do it the proper way, He will forgive me for not knowing and not practicing it often but that he will listen to me now and get me through this time as I have confidence that he will.
In addition to Him and my practices in the last few weeks, I cannot say thank you enough to all of my friends and family that has been there for us. All of the thoughts and prayers and love and support that we have received in the past few weeks in addition to the love that we have for each other, Jay and I wouldn't have gotten this far without it all.
Two weeks ago we had to say hello and goodbye in only a matter of minutes and even 14 days later the pain is as fresh as ever. Just when I think that I might be feeling a little better or might have a chance at getting through this and take whatever step is "supposed" to be next, I fall off again...BUT there is always someone there to pick me up, put me back on my feet to take the first step all over again. It doesn't help that I am way to hard on myself (as many know already) and that I expect too much of myself...that I expect to be back to "normal" and good as new. I set myself up for disappointment in those expectations because I am not even sure what "normal" is anymore let alone be able to feel it. But I do know that I am a determined, hard headed stubborn person just like my daughter was and I will be okay again...I will do what I need to do to be strong again...and I will never, ever be able to send enough thanks and gratitude to those that have been there to pick me up and put me back on my feet when I needed them!
Two seconds, Two minutes, Two Days, Two Weeks, Two Months, Two Years....nothing will replace with few hours that I got to hold my little girl and nothing will replace the love that I will have for her forever and ever! I love you Angel! Mommy and Daddy will always love you, remember you and you will never be replaced in our hearts! Forever and Ever!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Emotional Outlet
I sit here wondering what to write next. Do I use the blog for a "punching bag" or a "crying post"? Do I use the blog as a means to get my emotions out when I don't know how to talk about them or do I keep it "nice" for everyone that is reading it and I want them to know that we are going to be okay? Well, I decided to do both...I have decided to use this as my means to scream, cry, yell and remember in the best way that I know how to do it...by writing it down. So consider this a forewarning that all posts may not be the best of things for everyone to read and while it seems "public" to those reading it and I apologize for that, this is the best way that I know how to get my emotions out as I don't know how to talk about them as well as I wish I could.
I begin my emotional outlet with Tuesday being probably my worst day so far. We were beginning to deal with the fact that due to a fluke we were going to and have lost our little girl because of a genetic disorder that is uncommon and a "bad deal of the cards". Not only did we have to deal with that but we were also notified that this disorder was not only a bad deal but also due to a genetic defect that either Jay or I carried. That carrier ended up being me. As of that day, it was the end of my world. The feeling of being responsible for the pain that our little girl had to go through, the pain of not being able to give my husband the one thing that he so desperately wants...a family, the feeling of being a failure and a terrible person all in one. I felt myself falling away from Jay against my will and pushing him away because I was a terrible wife, mother and person. However, yesterday, I realized that I had to put that aside and not push my husband away from me and realize that he loves me and is there for me. He and I met with the genetics counselor and was given options. We are not at a lost cause of having our family. Jay being the optimist in our family and me being the pessimist I couldn't help but share his hope that we will one day have our family. That is a hard thing to realize now when I so desperately thought and hoped that this would be the time that family would begin. Coming to terms with it right now is very hard.
That being said, I wanted to share some "better" news and say that Angel is home!! We were able to pick her up from Isles Funeral Home yesterday morning and I find this to be a little bit of peace of mind that our little girl is home and that is where she will stay for awhile. We don't have any plans as of now for a public service or any plans of "letting her go" for the time being. We have decided, with the route that we decided, that we would rather have her home with us and that remains the plans until we are both comfortable and at peace with placing her with my grandparents and Uncle Steve in Villisca. We don't know when that will be or if that will be and know that when the time comes Angel will let us know.
I continue to struggle understanding and asking "Why". I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am never going to get that answer. I try to take comfort in knowing that our Angel is looking down on me and as Jay keeps reminding she is probably kicking me in the ass right now telling me to get things figured out, she is okay now, she is happy and she wants me to be happy too. Someday Angel Girl, someday I will be able to look back on this and be happy along with you. That someday just seems like an eternity from here.....
I begin my emotional outlet with Tuesday being probably my worst day so far. We were beginning to deal with the fact that due to a fluke we were going to and have lost our little girl because of a genetic disorder that is uncommon and a "bad deal of the cards". Not only did we have to deal with that but we were also notified that this disorder was not only a bad deal but also due to a genetic defect that either Jay or I carried. That carrier ended up being me. As of that day, it was the end of my world. The feeling of being responsible for the pain that our little girl had to go through, the pain of not being able to give my husband the one thing that he so desperately wants...a family, the feeling of being a failure and a terrible person all in one. I felt myself falling away from Jay against my will and pushing him away because I was a terrible wife, mother and person. However, yesterday, I realized that I had to put that aside and not push my husband away from me and realize that he loves me and is there for me. He and I met with the genetics counselor and was given options. We are not at a lost cause of having our family. Jay being the optimist in our family and me being the pessimist I couldn't help but share his hope that we will one day have our family. That is a hard thing to realize now when I so desperately thought and hoped that this would be the time that family would begin. Coming to terms with it right now is very hard.
That being said, I wanted to share some "better" news and say that Angel is home!! We were able to pick her up from Isles Funeral Home yesterday morning and I find this to be a little bit of peace of mind that our little girl is home and that is where she will stay for awhile. We don't have any plans as of now for a public service or any plans of "letting her go" for the time being. We have decided, with the route that we decided, that we would rather have her home with us and that remains the plans until we are both comfortable and at peace with placing her with my grandparents and Uncle Steve in Villisca. We don't know when that will be or if that will be and know that when the time comes Angel will let us know.
I continue to struggle understanding and asking "Why". I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am never going to get that answer. I try to take comfort in knowing that our Angel is looking down on me and as Jay keeps reminding she is probably kicking me in the ass right now telling me to get things figured out, she is okay now, she is happy and she wants me to be happy too. Someday Angel Girl, someday I will be able to look back on this and be happy along with you. That someday just seems like an eternity from here.....
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
"Dear Mom & Dad" found & given by Grandma Lint
Dear Mom and Dad: I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair that I never even was able to say “hello”. I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will,but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for eternity.
Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist. Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting upwith the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.
Thanks for the tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have suffered. Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.
If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and so badly want answers.
I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back intothe house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.
On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star younever noticed before?
One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying andfor crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”,“good-bye for just a little while longer”.
Love you!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern
Rest in Peace our Little Angel Girl!
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern was born and entered into Heaven on Tuesday, June 16th at 12:56 pm. She was born at 20 weeks, 4 days gestation and she is beautiful as ever. She weighed in at 13.2 oz and measured at 10 inches long. She had her daddy's ears, her mommy's cheeks and chin, her daddy's strength, her mommy's hard-head and ALWAYS her mommy and daddy's endless love.
While this has been a hard two weeks for her mommy and daddy, as well as the rest of her family and friends that she has already been loved by, we know that she is in good hands in "the sky" with her Grandma & Grandpa Kern, Grandma & Grandpa Simmons, Uncle "Grandpa" Steve, Uncle Terry as well as God plus many others that have the great benefit of having the joy of taking her into their hands. We know that she is as spoiled and most importantly, loved as ever already!
This is something that Jay and I find very hard to comprehend and understand the "Why" and "What" and continue to deal with the grief, anger, confusion and sadness; we are at peace knowing that our little girl has wings; she is flying in the Gates of Heaven and we will always have our guardian angel looking over us forever. We continue to struggle to understand why we can't have her here with us looking over us but will slowly come to terms that He works in mysterious ways, has a reason for everything that he does and while we will never understand why he didn't let us have our beautiful girl he gave us the opportunity to love her unselfishly and put her in His hands to be cared for.
"Most of us only dream of angels, we held one in our arms" and we will always remember and cheerish the few hours that we got to hold our Angel girl. We hope to be able to share pictures of our precious girl with less pain in the near future. In the mean time, know that we have appreciated more than words can ever say all of the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way in the last two weeks. Have peace knowing, as we continue to search for, that our angel is being loved and cared for in the best hands possible for her right now. We love you all and we certainly can say that we know just how precious and fragile life is!
Angel Chlorine Cheryl Kern was born and entered into Heaven on Tuesday, June 16th at 12:56 pm. She was born at 20 weeks, 4 days gestation and she is beautiful as ever. She weighed in at 13.2 oz and measured at 10 inches long. She had her daddy's ears, her mommy's cheeks and chin, her daddy's strength, her mommy's hard-head and ALWAYS her mommy and daddy's endless love.
While this has been a hard two weeks for her mommy and daddy, as well as the rest of her family and friends that she has already been loved by, we know that she is in good hands in "the sky" with her Grandma & Grandpa Kern, Grandma & Grandpa Simmons, Uncle "Grandpa" Steve, Uncle Terry as well as God plus many others that have the great benefit of having the joy of taking her into their hands. We know that she is as spoiled and most importantly, loved as ever already!
This is something that Jay and I find very hard to comprehend and understand the "Why" and "What" and continue to deal with the grief, anger, confusion and sadness; we are at peace knowing that our little girl has wings; she is flying in the Gates of Heaven and we will always have our guardian angel looking over us forever. We continue to struggle to understand why we can't have her here with us looking over us but will slowly come to terms that He works in mysterious ways, has a reason for everything that he does and while we will never understand why he didn't let us have our beautiful girl he gave us the opportunity to love her unselfishly and put her in His hands to be cared for.
"Most of us only dream of angels, we held one in our arms" and we will always remember and cheerish the few hours that we got to hold our Angel girl. We hope to be able to share pictures of our precious girl with less pain in the near future. In the mean time, know that we have appreciated more than words can ever say all of the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way in the last two weeks. Have peace knowing, as we continue to search for, that our angel is being loved and cared for in the best hands possible for her right now. We love you all and we certainly can say that we know just how precious and fragile life is!
Tiny Angel
Author Unkown
Tiny Angel rest your wingsSit with me awhile.
Author Unkown
Tiny Angel rest your wingsSit with me awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,I want this image clear....That I will forget your precious faceIs my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,Why you have gone away?You weren't here for very long...Why is it you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,"These things I do not know...But I do know you loved me,
And that I loved you so."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Update
The appointment with the perinetal doctor today, while no new news was revealed, Jay and I were able to get several of our questions answered. While it feels as though we have a million of them running through our heads at one time, we did feel that we are more informed in addition to the daily google searches on the syndrome by this mom.
First, Baby K is a fighter and stubborn! She is certainly as hard headed as her mommy and daddy and her heart rate was at 160 in addition to her dislike to being poked and prodded. They did not do an ultrasound today but did check on her heart and she was kicking the monitor and moving away from it as they tried to get her rate. We are to go in next Tuesday for another ultrasound.
Second, Baby K's mommy and daddy are fighters too. While we know everything happens for a reason and will never know for sure what that reason is we have determined a few of those over the past 7 days. One being that our marriage will become stronger and we will become closer as a couple in the weeks to come. Second, we are aware of how terribly precious life really is and to not ever take anything for granted! While these are only a couple of the reasons that we have come up with we are certain that we will never understand why God has dealt us this hand but we do know that he doesn't give out more than he thinks we can handle. We are a strong couple and would not be as strong as we are without the support system that we have in helping us deal with this. It's because of our friends and family, the thoughts and prayers that we have received and the love of each other and all of you that we know that we will survive this bad luck draw.
Our little girl will always be our angel girl! We will always know that she is going to be very well taken care of "in the sky" by Great Grandparents, Uncles and the "tooth fairy". We also know that she will always be looking over us. Jay and I will be strong, we are determined that we will make it through this, together, and will always have our daughter in our hearts forever and ever! We continue to cheerish and appreciate all of our friends and family and will always remember how precious life is and not take anything for granted.
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
First, Baby K is a fighter and stubborn! She is certainly as hard headed as her mommy and daddy and her heart rate was at 160 in addition to her dislike to being poked and prodded. They did not do an ultrasound today but did check on her heart and she was kicking the monitor and moving away from it as they tried to get her rate. We are to go in next Tuesday for another ultrasound.
Second, Baby K's mommy and daddy are fighters too. While we know everything happens for a reason and will never know for sure what that reason is we have determined a few of those over the past 7 days. One being that our marriage will become stronger and we will become closer as a couple in the weeks to come. Second, we are aware of how terribly precious life really is and to not ever take anything for granted! While these are only a couple of the reasons that we have come up with we are certain that we will never understand why God has dealt us this hand but we do know that he doesn't give out more than he thinks we can handle. We are a strong couple and would not be as strong as we are without the support system that we have in helping us deal with this. It's because of our friends and family, the thoughts and prayers that we have received and the love of each other and all of you that we know that we will survive this bad luck draw.
Our little girl will always be our angel girl! We will always know that she is going to be very well taken care of "in the sky" by Great Grandparents, Uncles and the "tooth fairy". We also know that she will always be looking over us. Jay and I will be strong, we are determined that we will make it through this, together, and will always have our daughter in our hearts forever and ever! We continue to cheerish and appreciate all of our friends and family and will always remember how precious life is and not take anything for granted.
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Baby K
Very fortunately for us, but unfortunately we do not have the ability to call everyone that we know that cares for and loves us. With that said, this is the best way that we know how to get in touch with everyone that is concerned about the situation of things and to keep as many people up to date as possible without making anyone feel as thought they HAVE to know the situation.
With that said, the last 5 days have been the hardest, most trying days of our lives. During our 19 week ultrasound this past Thursday, we were notified that Baby K is a baby girl and at the same time were notified that there are a lot of complications and defects with our little girl. We were provided with basic information that the OB doctors were able to give us that there were some complications and we would have to see a high-risk specialist immediately. We visited the Perinetal Clinic the following day where where they took many more pictures of her which confirmed our little girl indeed had a lot of defects in her brain, heart, facial developments and hip developments and the prognosis is not good for her. An amniocentesis was performed and results received today confirmed that our baby is being affected by a rare but fatal chromosome issue (Trisomy 13 - Patau Syndrome. Can see http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1209.asp for more information or Google the syndrom and will get more information than you probably want!) that affects 1 in 16,000 babies. There is certainly a lot of information I have researched on the topic in the last few days and a lot of things that have overwhelmed us! But regardless, still remains a lot of unknowns and decisions that still have to be made in a short period of time. We have been told that it is a lose/lose situation for us, there is nothing that we can do to help her but have also been assured that there is nothing that we did or did not do to cause this pain for her either. It was a bad luck of the draw and with the diagnosis of the chromosomes we will not be deferred from having children in the future.
After our confirmation today of the reasoning for our angel girl's issues, we have set up a follow-up appointment with our specialist for Thursday afternoon where we will be able to get at least a few of our many questions answered. In the mean time, this news has devastated us and while we feel we are taking the appropriate steps to get through this together we also know that we a lot of love and support from all of our family and friends. It's the love, thoughts and prayers of all of you that will get our family through this very hard and trying time in our lives. We love you all and know that we have the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for from each and every one of you. Our Baby Girl is a fighter! She is stubborn just like her mommy and daddy, she knows that she is very loved and we will all get through this! Baby K has a lot of family "in the sky" that will take very, very good care of her. Great Grandma and Grandpa Kern, Great Grandma and Grandpa Simmons, Great Grandpa Seibert, "Grandpa" (Uncle) Steve, and Uncle Terry as well as many other family members that we have turned over to God will take very good care of her and she will always be our Angel Girl! We thank you all again for being our rocks and the skies will be brighter soon!
With that said, the last 5 days have been the hardest, most trying days of our lives. During our 19 week ultrasound this past Thursday, we were notified that Baby K is a baby girl and at the same time were notified that there are a lot of complications and defects with our little girl. We were provided with basic information that the OB doctors were able to give us that there were some complications and we would have to see a high-risk specialist immediately. We visited the Perinetal Clinic the following day where where they took many more pictures of her which confirmed our little girl indeed had a lot of defects in her brain, heart, facial developments and hip developments and the prognosis is not good for her. An amniocentesis was performed and results received today confirmed that our baby is being affected by a rare but fatal chromosome issue (Trisomy 13 - Patau Syndrome. Can see http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1209.asp for more information or Google the syndrom and will get more information than you probably want!) that affects 1 in 16,000 babies. There is certainly a lot of information I have researched on the topic in the last few days and a lot of things that have overwhelmed us! But regardless, still remains a lot of unknowns and decisions that still have to be made in a short period of time. We have been told that it is a lose/lose situation for us, there is nothing that we can do to help her but have also been assured that there is nothing that we did or did not do to cause this pain for her either. It was a bad luck of the draw and with the diagnosis of the chromosomes we will not be deferred from having children in the future.
After our confirmation today of the reasoning for our angel girl's issues, we have set up a follow-up appointment with our specialist for Thursday afternoon where we will be able to get at least a few of our many questions answered. In the mean time, this news has devastated us and while we feel we are taking the appropriate steps to get through this together we also know that we a lot of love and support from all of our family and friends. It's the love, thoughts and prayers of all of you that will get our family through this very hard and trying time in our lives. We love you all and know that we have the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for from each and every one of you. Our Baby Girl is a fighter! She is stubborn just like her mommy and daddy, she knows that she is very loved and we will all get through this! Baby K has a lot of family "in the sky" that will take very, very good care of her. Great Grandma and Grandpa Kern, Great Grandma and Grandpa Simmons, Great Grandpa Seibert, "Grandpa" (Uncle) Steve, and Uncle Terry as well as many other family members that we have turned over to God will take very good care of her and she will always be our Angel Girl! We thank you all again for being our rocks and the skies will be brighter soon!
Love always,
Jay, Nita & Baby K
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Kern Family Update
I do not have any other baby news but thought I would update on how the rest of life is going for those that don't already know. With summer quickly approaching we are as busy as always with racing among other things that consumer our lives on a daily basis.
Jay is racing in the Midwest Champion Series for the dirt and the Mid-America Pavement Series. We have raced one Midwest Champion Series race in Waverly, NE and have another one coming up in a couple of weeks in Greenwood, NE. We have raced two races for the Pavement series in Jamaica (Iowa) where he got a 3rd place finish and we got rained out on Sunday then recently raced in Cedar Rapids where he got a 2nd place and a 1st place finish. Pavement racing has always been his "baby" and he has
refounded his love for it as has his wife with the checkbook, no prep game and a lot cleaner! : ) These first few races have been a great benefit to us; however, as they are relatively close to home and close to family/friends that don't get to see much. So the Nebraska races we get to stop in and spend an evening with our good friends, Brian & Becca, and our beautiful god-daughter, Meliah. And this past weekend in Cedar Rapids we got to spend the weekend with my cousins, Joe & Emily, and their two sweet girls, Avery & Carly!In addition to racing keeping him busy, I am pursuing and have completed about 40% of my masters degree. I am doing this online with the University of Phoenix and while I am glad to be doing it and look forward to reaping the benefits in the long run, I have come to realize that the time committment it takes and decided to take a short leave of absence when Baby K is born. So I should have been done in August of 2011 this will be prolonged slightly and I will be completed in October instead.
Other than racing and my school work, we continue to find plenty of other things to do to keep us busy and probably more than this mom should be doing! We each golf in a league (Jay on Tuesday and me on Thursday) with some friends of ours, Matt & Katie Jermier, who deserve a little time away for themselves as well with their new boy, Kale, keeping them on their toes!! We have a lot of birthdays, weddings and other events that will keep us plenty busy in the next several weeks; actually there isn't a free weekend until September which complicates getting the baby's stuff ready so we have determined that things will have to be cut out a little bit to make that more of a priority as we know that October will be here before we know it as fast as the rest of the year as already gone!
I must not forget to mention our current "baby" who has realized that something is going on and is very clingy to mom. We have had EmJay 2 years in July and it's hard to believe that it's been that long already! But she is also adjusting and I have heard is normal for dogs to know what is going on usually before the parents do and I am believing that more and more. She is enjoying not having to stay at home during race weekends though and has become the new racing mascot for the year : )I suppose that about wraps up our crazy, busy, chaotic lives and have been told numerous times that it doesn't get any better after the baby so I suppose I will just accept that this is our lives as we know it! Until next time...have a great & safe Memorial Weekend and hopefully will have Baby K news in the next post!!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Catching up the last few weeks (approx 16 actually)
As most of you already know, Jay and I are expecting our first human addition to our family. We are due on October 30th and are looking forward to the adventure ahead. October is turning out to be a very special month for our family as we share our wedding anniversary and Grandma Teresa's birthday on the 25th of October and only a few days earlier is our "dating anniversary". So we have learned to cherish this month and anticipate a lot of special things to celebrate each year!
Just a brief preview of the last 16 weeks, we found out officially that we were pregnant on March 1st and have continued to anticipate the feeling to become real since then (which it still has not to me!) We had our first ultrasound on March 17th which helped the feeling become a little more real but still seems like a dream.
We are anxiously awaiting our June 3rd appointment when we will #1) Get to see Baby K again after 9 weeks and #2) Hopefully have a cooperative baby that will show us what he/she is! A majority of the votes so far are going towards girl accept for one family friend who guessed an 11 lb, 5 oz boy (OMG, I hope you are wrong Matt H!!) Otherwise, a lot of girl guesses have been made which will be special because it will be the first Kern girl to be born into Jay's immediate family; who has 2 brothers and 2 nephews. But regardless Baby K will be special and loved entirely!!
Jay is looking very forward to getting "belly pictures" taken soon so I will post them when those are done. And again, I hope this helps keep family up to date as most of my family is pretty spread out! While we wish we could see them all more this way we can keep everyone updated without anyone being the last to know! ; ) Love you all!
Just a brief preview of the last 16 weeks, we found out officially that we were pregnant on March 1st and have continued to anticipate the feeling to become real since then (which it still has not to me!) We had our first ultrasound on March 17th which helped the feeling become a little more real but still seems like a dream.
We are anxiously awaiting our June 3rd appointment when we will #1) Get to see Baby K again after 9 weeks and #2) Hopefully have a cooperative baby that will show us what he/she is! A majority of the votes so far are going towards girl accept for one family friend who guessed an 11 lb, 5 oz boy (OMG, I hope you are wrong Matt H!!) Otherwise, a lot of girl guesses have been made which will be special because it will be the first Kern girl to be born into Jay's immediate family; who has 2 brothers and 2 nephews. But regardless Baby K will be special and loved entirely!!
Jay is looking very forward to getting "belly pictures" taken soon so I will post them when those are done. And again, I hope this helps keep family up to date as most of my family is pretty spread out! While we wish we could see them all more this way we can keep everyone updated without anyone being the last to know! ; ) Love you all!
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